Please welcome guest blogger, Fiona from Squirt Baby, to the Friday ‘Blog Swap’ created and devised by Amy at Never-True Tales. It’s called ‘Won’t you be my Neighbo(u)r’ and this is the first Friday I’ve had the pleasure to host a neighbourly writer. Thank you, Fiona:
The first week of March sees the 9th anniversary of my departure from the paid workforce to await the birth of my first child. I left a job that wasn’t really me to take on something I wasn’t adequately prepared for (but then again – who is?). By the end of April I held a baby in my arms. A son. A child I had begun to imagine would never exist. He came at the end of a seemingly endless series of miscarriages. He was precious, a marvel and utterly bewildering.
I was an anxious first time mother. I did not trust my instincts. I sought out help to address sleeping issues, breastfeeding issues, developmental issues (why isn’t my baby crawling like all the others?). My life took on a whole new meaning. I surrendered myself to him – my new lord and master. He dictated my life. I tried to establish routines of sleep, feeds and play. He didn’t like to be alone, so I sat next to him as he lay under the play-gym and read aloud from The Chronicles of Narnia, New Scientist, or whatever was at hand.
Fast forward nine years and I find myself the mother of four children – currently aged 2, 4, 6 and 8. I am a rather different person nowadays. Yet – who is this person? I am a woman of 40 years, a SAHM who cooks and cleans and washes for a household of six, plus a cat and dog. I have a Bachelor of Science (so there’s a brain tucked away in there somewhere) plus a couple of TAFE qualifications. But who am I? How do I define myself? Do I need defining?
2010 is the Year of Rediscovery – the rediscovery of self. I want to feel light of spirit rather than burdened by the daily grind. It’s time to pay attention to my 20kg heavier body and wear something other than my trusty Birkenstocks. It’s time to consider the pros and cons of returning to the job that’s been held open for me since 2001. It’s time to step out from behind the mask of “Mother” and play other roles. Yet it is the role of mother that has given me the opportunity to explore other possibilities. I would not have had the courage to change direction if I was still in paid work. Motherhood is a blessing on so many levels.
My career path was determined by my school principal – a staunch supporter of women in science – in 1985 when she chose my subjects for years 11 & 12. I offered feeble resistance despite a love of history, reading and doing stuff with my hands. I studied science because I could, and it hasn’t been all bad. But it wasn’t my first love. My first love was sewing and knitting and tatting and embroidering. Creating, dreaming.
And then, in August 2008, after a chance conversation with a friend, a new child was accepted into our family – a small business called “Squirt Baby”. The brief description goes: “Handmade clothing and accessories for boys and girls 0-8 years”. I would create limited edition garments that paid homage to the frocks my Mum made my sisters and I during the 60s and 70s. And try and sell them.
Now, I don’t have any training. So I’m not really legitimate. I’m full of self-doubt and of fear that I’ll be “found out”, exposed as a fraud. But I love it. And, just as I had to learn to trust my instincts with my first-born, I am learning to trust my instincts with my choice of styles and fabrics. Lately I seem to be attracting a little interest, I find myself morphing into a slightly more confident version of myself. The one that used to mumble “Oh, I make children’s clothes” can now say “I have my own children’s wear label” without cringing or doubling over with laughter (but only just!).
So the journey continues, this life that is always in flux and never still. In search of self.
It’s wonderful to see this confidence growing. Did you know that one of my first memories of you (apart from walking through the hall and interrupting my class – which I gave you many dirty looks for, btw.) is knitting in the staffroom at recess? However, I never knew this:
“My first love was sewing and knitting and tatting and embroidering. Creating, dreaming.”
Thanks for writing this. It’s a great, thoughtful piece. A couple of years ago, I ran into an art teacher we both know and like (at a gallery visit with Sez – who has her moving gallery in the left sidebar here) When she asked me what I was doing and I (tentatively) told her ‘um, writing some things’, she laughed. I didn’t mind. I didn’t at all, but it’s something that’s stayed with me. She actually said ‘that’s a huge turnaround from physical education. Writing?’
It’s a similar thing swapping science for sewing, perhaps?
Life is indeed always in flux. Or fux. Thanks lady. Your words are lovely.
Yep – the only reason I’d get to work early was so I could spend half and hour with a cup of tea and my latest project! And now I’m wondering – our working lives were spent “creating” things that were quickly “consumed”. Now we’re creating things that will last longer – we can spend time gazing at them, touching them. Things that can be for ourselves or for others. Things that attract more respect than past endeavours, perhaps. Nowadays we get to set the agenda. Is is about control??
Rosie – thanks so much for this opportunity. I can’t read the post itself yet because I’m feeling terribly self-conscious right now! Your post is up already too – and I love it!
LOL. You don’t need to feel too self-conscious. It’s only me here.
Why the hell did you walk through the hall to get to the lab, interrupting my important classes of physical jerks and anatomy? It’s a (long buried) bone of contention I need to address here and now?
Oh. I never thought about the things we created at school as being ‘quickly consumed’, but you are SO very right. YES.
Thanks for swapping, hon. It’s all about getting to know peeps in the blog-o-rena, so I hope to host a couple more Fridays like this.
Oh Fiona – I am SO WITH YOU on the cringe part! I just had a painter come to the cottage to check on our bubbling walls and he said “Home from work today?” and I had to stutter and stumble and mutter something about working from home – why didn’t I proclaim “I work from home – I am a professional photographer, semi-professional crafter and part-time nanny to a very energetic 4 year old.” How is that NOT work?!
And I too live in constant fear that I will be found out to be a ‘fraud crafter’ hahaha. Constant encouragement from my boyfriend is needed. If I present him with a new design of little girls dress and he doesn’t look up from the newspaper I panic! Praise me! Praise me! So needy.
Wonderful post Fiona. A lovely to learn a little bit about you. I can so relate to what you are saying too ~ about self-doubt, feeling like a fraud. I keep a lot this online side of my life away from other side of my life for these very reasons.
Fiona, you ARE legitimate! (And I think the clothing you make is gorgeous.) I love the fact that 2010 is about rediscovery; it seems that we dive under a wave or a fog or something during those baby years that keep piling up, and then emerge disoriented. Sounds like you’re finding your footing!
Thank you for participating with Rosie in the Won’t You Be My Neighbor series! Be sure to have her link this to the blog!
Hi Emma! It will come, the non-cringing bit, because you will make it happen. You know, it doesn’t necessarily sit easily, but it is the truth to say “I am (insert appropriate title here)”. And if you say it with confidence, others will believe you! Although, at a market last year, one of the stallholders (she makes women’s clothing) proclaimed herself an “artist” – now that’s going a little too far IMO!!
Kellie thanks for following the link! We are such complex beings. Rosie and I have had lots of discussions about apparently confident people versus the apparently not-so-confident folk, wondering what’s really underneath. Why shouldn’t we believe in ourselves?? Have a good weekend!
Amy – your initiative has given Rosie the opportunity to prise me out of my comfort zone. I’m sure it’s payback for the times I’ve forced her to go fabric shopping! I do feel as though I have emerged disoriented from the parenting fog – well said! I’m determined to find my footing – redress the imbalance and get on with it
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Hey fiona – you are GREAT! I love your work baby! And i can so relate to the FRAUDULENT behaviour…scared that I will be found out..not as good as I appear on the surface..untrianed and therfore no good….not as organised as a market organiser SHOULD be !!! But you know, its all about the creative process and enjoying what we do. And I so enjoy what I do…mostly.If only those seedlings of doubt would just f off ! (excuse me!)
Thanks for the lovely read xx
Hiya Lou! What’s wrong with us? Is it the tall poppy syndrome? Are we raised to be ridiculously humble? When I think about what my great-grandmothers achieved with little or no resources I really do wonder where we get the lack of confidence thingy from. I really really really want to break free of that. Let’s just do it! (Gee, I almost sound confident there don’t I??) Great to hear from you Lou – now go check your gold ribbons are at regulation height.
I have a friend who is a mother of 3, stays at home mom and is creating her children wear label aswell. It’s hard yes, but it’s who she is now. And I think it’s all that matters.
What a coincidence. I have a friend who is a SAHM and creates kid’s wear too. That’s great, pauline! It’s fantastic for your friend