Last night, I gave Mac the license to kill.
Before anything subtextual is read into that, this post is all about The Chocolate. Anyone who knows me understands that I am a foodaholic. Food seriously excites me. Put me in the streets of Venice and I’ll admire the Grand Canal out of the corner of my eye while seeking out the best pasta e fagioli in the city. Place me along the boulevards of Barcelona, and I’d fight for any morsel of paella not nailed down (or in someone’s mouth – well, that’s going too far.)
Mac and I visited Bologna, Italy, because it was the capital of bolognese sauce. We visit Singapore only for the food and stay with my siter to save money on accommodation! To buy lunch. And dinner.
So. Food + Me = Love.
I used to pretend I wasn’t a sweet tooth. Don’t know why, but I discussed this with my eldest niece the other night and she said the same thing! We were both in denial, as we munched down her after dinner, fabulous citrus tart AND her homemade berry and mascarpone delight. They were tiny treats. We were starving! Don’t judge us.
Still, if you offered me a plate of Aglio e Olio with a glass of something red OR a dessert, I’d go the former. If I was on death row, a-la Lincoln Burrows in Prison Break, my last meal would have to involve pasta, cheese, herbs, tomatoes OR some sort of middle eastern bread, dip and pastry combo OR mum’s curried tuna from the 70s. I’m really that excited by it all!
I leads me to the chocolate that’s been hovering in our house all week. I’m not a chocoholic by any stretch of the cocoa bean. Doesn’t mean I don’t love it, but if there’s a plate there, I can have a piece, enjoy it and then walk away (wondering what my next meal will involve).
This chocolate entered our home last Friday. Since then, it’s been popping its head around corners, crying to me from the depths of the tin it is stashed in, pleading to be eaten.
Haig’s is a great Aussie chocolate, loved by many all over the country. It’s more expensive than the piñata box of chocolates I dropped over the school bridge on the way home a couple of months ago, but it’s SO worth the experience.
Last Friday, Mac ventured into his local Haig’s store and found a new variety of Haig’s block chocolate. Unbeknownst to him, he was about to unlock an entire myriad of intellectual, spiritual, physical, emotional, sensual experiences in his wife of one thousand years, and reawaken her love for life. He purchased it casually. It looked okay to him. Might be nice to take it home to the old chainy ball and sweeten her up with a cuppa tea.
He unleashed the VAVOOOOOOOM.
It started slowly. I thanked him for the blocks of chocie he’d procured, continued to do the evening things required of a Friday night and looked forward to a second glass of wine and a crash on the couch.
Twas a freezing winter’s night. As the evening tea brewed in the stained, well-loved, much-used pot, I poured a nightcap, settled the kids and broke up some of this new chocolate. I was blasé, enjoying a satisfying slurp of the Coonawarra Cabernet and yelling out to the children to STFU, cutters! (Because I’m like that!)
Innocently, I took a tiny piece off the end of this new chocolate, popped it into my mouth and … and …
Oh. My.
Instantly, my body was flooded with insulin, adrenaline, estrogen, progesterone, dopamine, serotonin, cocoatonin, wantmoretonin …
And, oh. Just, ohhhhh.
I felt heated. Malleable. Overwhelmed and restless and just … just … gooey. I needed to lie down. I needed to grab a moist towelette, hold it to my head, unbutton my tight blouse (okay, so I might have had on a PJ top by that stage) and get horizontal. My senses? They were ON FIRE.
Never before had I felt like this! (Well, there was one time back in 1990 …). I wanted more. I wanted it all. I needed it now. I needed to suckle, nibble, nestle (or Nestlé?) and groan. I picked up another tit-bit, rolled it about my forefinger and thumb. It readied beneath my touch. I pressed, slowly, tantalizingly forward, into, closer, closer, closer …
Oh God! And then someone was in my space! And I needed to be alone! Alone with my Haig’s, FFS!!
‘That’s new!’ said Mac, pinching some of my tits-bits over my shoulder. ’It was only a one-off. I don’t think they’re going to make much more of it!’
What the cutter!? Wha?
I wonder if he noticed my eyes glaze over!
‘Well!? Well! When can you go BACK? GET some more?’ I wailed, breaking off a bit and thinking about hiding it somewhere in my own private idaho. For later. For when I wasn’t coping about the experimental macadamia and coconut milk block leaving my life.
‘I won’t be down that part of town till next Friday at the earliest.’
(This was one of those times when ‘cutter with thorns‘ wasn’t even a strong enough expression!)
Today, I’ve sent Mac off with a special smile, a wink of an eye, a hint about Haig’s and pieces of nut and bits of coconut floating about a slab of rich, sultry, viscous milk chocolate. For those that know of the old Coconut Rough chocolate, it’s the closest I can go to describing to you this piece of chocolate heaven. The nuts are dotted through the chocolate giving it crunch. The coconut is small and subtle, wonderful and textured and creamy and …
Just more. Please find more!
Last night, I gave Mac a shop scenario. If there was one block of this cutter left, you and an elderly lady looking to buy it, and a small space to maneuver to get to the frigging chocolate, just PUSH. Get a rope, wring it round her scrawny old neck, throw her to the ground, poke her in the eye with the brass razzoo on the end of your brolly, beat her over the head with your sequel server book … do whatever it takes.
COZ this bitch can get ugly. (um, me, not the poor, bashed up, elderly – hypothetical – lady)
Related Reading:
If you enjoyed this article, please consider sharing it!
Welcome to Fangirl Sings the Blues
If you enjoy reading about the characters of Bridezilla, Henley & Cass, Veronica Lord, The Carpet Whisperers, Volare, King Pin, and anything else written here, you might like to try a novel or three:
The Fangirl Series
Number 3 - Latest Release
Number 2
Number 1
The Fangirl Series
Number 3 - Latest Release
Number 2
Number 1
Connect with us:
20 Responses to Better than a poke in the eye with a brass razoo
OMG Lady, you are abso-friken-lutely hilarious *wiping tears away*.
I was simultaneously lol-ing, lusting (after the Haig's, not Mac) and longing… to be a fly on the wall, when Mac brings home his next purchase, hoping to collect on his alluded to form of payment and then realises you only wanted to satisfy your OTHER appetite!!!!
Finished reading the other day and LOVED it Rosey!!! Can't wait to get home and have big catch up chats…..oh and tell Mon to make her mummy some of those “tweets” to savour during our discussions.
See you soon xoxoxoxox
Hello dearie! How's everything going? Getting ready to readjust back into Dimo living? lol.
Mon must make those tarts again, Gay. Oh, they were mouthwatering and she made her own pastry. We were laughing because I said to her 'I used to never think I was a sweet tooth..' and she said exactly the same. Then, we had to console our coming out with eating her yummy stuff.
You've finished reading and loved it? Thanks heaps, lady. I look forward to any suggestions or changes you would make coz I've put it away for a while and will go back to it soon. I hope reading off the screen was okay? If it gets published, I'll sell you a copy for mate's rates, *dies laughing*
OH, THAT CHOCOLATE. It wasn't even just the 'haig's factor'. It was the most delicious combo I've ever tasted (although I'm not a sweet tooth). It's nearly 6pm here and if there's no Experimental Macademia and Coconut Milk Block then he might as well not walk through that door. LOL
See you soon xx
Lady you've always had a sweet tooth ffs -- remember I bought Haighs to you every Thursday night but you never shared, you cutters!
Lady, they are HERE.
THE MACADAMIA NUT WITH COCONUT MILK CHOCOLATE IS HERE!
BRING IT, BEYOTCH
Why are you online? Do you want me dead? LOL
Lady, I have never had a sweet tooth. I was always only about the savory. Remember you always ate my food when we were young? So unfair.
Wot you doing? I'm going to have tea and macadamia chocolate, ffs. Whatevs.
Oh, and you never bought experimental macadamia and coconut dairy milk. Have you ever had that? No! It's not for sweet teeth, it's for foodies. Just FYI
OMG, you lost me at 'I can walk away from chocolate' *slaps you*
This newfound chocolate sounds delicious, hon, if not a little dangerous lol Lovely to hear Mac found more, and hopefully he didn't have to hurt the hypothetical old lady (too much)
Did you really tag this post 'oh'? LOL
So, did he get the chocolate?!!!!
I HATE YOU…….I had to make do with plain old Ferrero Rocher, so I had to gussy them up with copious amounts of G&Ts, hahahahahahaha!!!!
Oh, yes, dear. Ohhhhhh. yes!
*waves and slaps your snatchy fingers away from my experimental chocolate*
I'm happy to share other stuff, hon.
Can't you walk away from chocie, lovie? If you gorge on it, doesn't it make you feel yukky? *pats you* Oh, and hon? Chocolate is not a vegetable!
Mac didn't hurt the old lady too much, although he came home with a cut above his eye ; )
LOL. Now I have a tag titled 'oh'. gonna use it often!
OT, hon, have you seen Toy Story 3 yet? Forgive me, but I've forgotten if we've spoken about it. The little girl, Bonnie? Reminds me of someone cute at your house. Not gal, btw, LOL
x
Eww, lady. Just say NO to the ferrero and go for the Nutella on the spoon instead. Jeez, you expats lose your culinary discernment, but you're living in the food capital of Asia, ffs.
hey, the G & T sounds good though. Also, I think Mon's berry tart had ricotta rather than marscapone? Whatevs. It was DELICIOUS.
That's okay, I'll get Elke to send me some Belgiun Chocolate one of these days, again! Ha ha!
And just when you thought the passion was gone (or never existed)! This chocolate sounds magnificent. I haven't been into the city for ages. I think I'm going to pop in tomorrow and buy up whatever is left. And I might even share…
Be quick, dearest one. Al is going to be there tomorrow and she lives closer to the city than you.
I reckon you could take her on, tho. She's weak with a full punch to the arm and I used to get her in a headlock -- she sucks at that, too.
Also, Mac told me that they were only available for limited time. Perhaps go in Sunday? LOL.
If you're good, I'll save you a crumb. Strangely, Alli came to visit yesterday and when I went to bring the washing in, I came back in to a strange scent of chocolate coming from her breath.
Hmm.
Belgium Chocolate? Yummy. No trading with the macadamia and coconut, though hon *g*
Oh puhleease, you offered me the TINIEST morsel ever! It's a wonder I tasted anything but air, it was so stingy…
BTW, I remember bringing tears to your eyes with a swift return punch to the arm, be-yotch!!
That piece was big enough, greedy cutter! Hey, did you get a bag? Of chocolates, that is? LOL.
You used to punch my bicep so hard I bruised. Haven't done that for ages, but I could be tempted, being so evil and all.
Girls, be nice! Nah -- didn't get into town. Weather and state of health prevented said excursion. Can't imagine it will happen this week either, and then it will be too late *sob*.
Oh no, Ms Squirty! I don't think there's going to be any left! I will save you a morsel, and Alli is never nice, btw. *g*
Well, she is, but in small doses. xxx