Box-Set Blues: Blood Edition

The young woman offered the dewiest, creamiest exposure of her body to the life-form that hovered above. She was vulnerable. Her mouth ajar (yep, even though technically it’s a mouth) she gasped with the realization of the inevitable. The creature – with its two-pronged attack ready and aimed at oral blood supply – moved downwards. Searching, ever searching for the exact spot to penetrate the victim.

She’s momentarily stunned by the flash of light in her eyes. The fangs, set to operate on the young lass, are poised in mid-air and there is a tiny hesitation before the impending blood-letting. This is her first time. She can hear her heart beating with a staccato that causes her entire body to shake with the pulse.

There is sure to be blood. To be pain. Funny, Bella Swan never endured this type of tortuous scenario at the hand of Edward Cullen, yet here she is undergoing a penetration of fangs and she is certain there will be excruciating outcomes.

But her Edward is Dr Edward and she’s not a vampire yet. She’s a freaking dentist.

So? what’s the difference between a dentist and a vampire, I ask you in this era of Twilight mania and supernatural entertainment resurgence?  I mean no disrespect to either dentist OR vampire.  Both groups wear an air of mystery about them, pride themselves on teeth issues (too holed, too pointy, too sharp, too crooked) and employ penetrable instruments upon humans.

Both are meticulous about teeth and scary.  Both groups have the ability to strike fear into reasonably brave peeps and neither likes to a stake to be plunged into their heart.

The dentist and vampire are also concerned with coffins – vamps from a sleeping point of view, dentists because too much patient coffin can cause misplaced teeth and fillings to be spat out.  And, the vampire sleeps upside down in a ‘nest’, while the dentist lurks behind you (upside-down in the mirror, and ‘nesty’)

I could go on, but you’re probably fang-ful that I’m stopping.

Pip and Pop went to the dentist – Dr Lady-Dentist Edward – on the school hols.  Pop had to return this morning with her groovy teeth and Dr Edward had to cull(en) them back and put a bloody sealer on them (enough with the Twilight and vamp jokes!)

900,000 dollars and some blood-letting later, I have to say a couple of things about the dentist as the non-vampire:  the dental chair-side manner is wonderful these days.  Pop Jones was allowed to wear sunglasses and touch the implements – like soft clouds of gum padding and the suction effect of the Oral Vacuum Hideous Thing.  She was shown every item going into her mouth and spoken to in loving tones.  She was cajoled and encouraged.  She was pampered and Dr Lady-Dentist Edward even put lip gloss on her dry lips, ffs!

She even suggested – with a wry smile and eyebrows raised – that ‘mum’ could get you your own lip gloss, you poor little, badly-done-by darl!

Jaysus!  Where are the days when the Dentist As Vampire shoved you in the chair, pressed his/her whole fist in your mouth and pushed their knee into your budding bosom while finding the sharpest tool in his kit to viper into your gum?

Afterwards, Pop was offered a large basket of toys to select from – if she hadn’t, the account would have only been 899,995 dollars – so that the experience was deemed wonderful. Pip was there too.  She was able to receive a gift as well for being such a good sister to the patient.

Wow.

In keeping with the theme, my television box-set recommendation this time around is HBO’s True Blood. I haven’t read Twilight at all (this may change with a holiday imminent) so I cannot say the vampire concept attracted me.  The temptation of Alan Ball creating for television for (perhaps) the first time since Six Feet Under and using all his usual ploys – death, blood, nudity, sex, death, blood, nudity, sex, bad language – was too great.  We started watching it a couple of weeks ago and are hooked.

Please be warned, it’s extremely adult.  And it’s violent and oddball and lewd and crazy and (sometimes) kinky.  There’s 12 eps in the first season and we are nearly at the end of that.  I think we might have a break before sinking our teeth into the second.  If you need some TV happy gas and your usual shows are getting a bit long in the tooth, give it a bite.  You might get the taste for it .  . .  or say, ‘fanks, but no fangs.  I’d rather go to the dentist than watch this crap!’

(for a funny story about an addiction to the Twilight series, read Amy’s (Good) Will. It’s a true-life example of how far a person can descend into Vampiric-Teenage-Literature Mayhem)