Forget Edward Cullen and Vampire Bill and Jacob Wolfboy Black. Don’t worry about the sons o’ bitches that Sam and Dean Winchester hunt, and fear not He Who Should Not be Named or the Volturi.
There’s a new evil in town. She wears a white dress, perhaps a veil and she can kill with the slit of a pearl-coloured stiletto. She can suck blood from a popular reception venue ‘booked until November.’ She can cast asunder with a non-invitation upon her wedding day, suggesting you’re ‘too much a geek to break the bon bon yeri with this Uber Bride, baby’.
But I don’t really know her. I’m just making her up.
A while ago, I wrote about a relative who is going to become a bride in 2010. Sheila and Shorn are getting conubialled in May. Sheila’s sisters call her Bridezilla, and although she’s a modern gal and pretty as punch, some of her demands have been Godzilla-like and monstrous.
Not really. If she’s reading this, she will know I’m joking. *crosses fingers* Love you, lady. Think you are great, etc.
However, it’s too important an occasion (and she’s too funny a girl) not to spread some of the joy over the next few months pre-ceremony. I’m invited to her special day at the moment. Perhaps after this series of posts, I shall be designated ‘stay at home and mind the wedding gifts’ lady, but it’s a risk I am prepared to take.
Sheila is a swell example of a modern broide. (Please excuse the extra ‘o’ in the word bride. It’s similar to how some Aussies say please – ploise – and it is only a made-up mockery of the way we talk sometimes). Anyhoo, getting back to Sheila – she’s a bride with a great deal of discretion and an abundance of common sense.
So how is that funny, if she’s so goddamned perfect?
Well, it’s not. However, there are a few stories I can reveal about young Sheila that she may or may not want her bridal guests to know. I have some juicy anecdotes which I probably need her permission to write about, and some helpful hints to relieve her anxiety about the wedding night pon the marital mattress.
All brides face this. You are not alone.
In fact, being the dowager of a large group of twenty-somethings, I have taken it upon myself to issue the ‘intimacy talk’ to the fledglings as they prepare to endure the prime hardship of womanhood. I emphasize hardship here, because even though the modern ideal is to embrace the plunge into feminine awakening, it’s prudent to be equipped with a range of weapons to embolden the maidenhood upon the marital bed.
Or is that maidenhair? There are so many ‘hoods’ during the intimacy talk, this dowager can become quite confused – womanhood, manhood, maidenhood, hardihood, lustihood … the list goes on.
Sorry. I digress.
When giving the lecture of impending intimacy, it’s advisable to remind oneself of what it is like to be 27 and pure as the driven snowplough. Rest assured that when I pen the posts concerning the dowager discussion of intimacy, I will include all elements of the chat – how to react when first witnessing the emergence, how to cope with the pressing urgency of the wedding night, what to do when, where and why, how one’s face should be fixed at the moment of fulfillment, the permissible sounds to make … and so much more.
In fact, a handbook might be a wonderful asset to have. Given that I have already presented my eldest niece with her verbal bedroom etiquette guide (and that I enjoy writing and talking about myself) I should commit all my experience to a publishable book. It would be fantastic if someone like the amazing DK produced this handbook, because they are so very, very visssssual.
But again, too much about me.
Back to Sheila: I don’t think the various stories about her life are going to make it into this post due to a preoccupation with the impending dowager discussion. It’s been important, though. I think Sheila is going to be an extremely difficult case to prepare (or maiden to hair, or shell to penetrate) due to her lack of vivacity and experience in all things sensual. NOT that she’s a cold fish, just shy and prone to fierce blushing about her cheeks.
The information will have to be presented to her in a relaxed, informal manner, perhaps over a jar of darjeeling or a cup of chai-tie down at the Wato RSL. Once the facts are given, I’ll ensure there’s a brandy elixir to compensate for the shock that’s sure to descend. More detail in the weeks to follow.
Finally, Sheila hasn’t responded very well to my suggestion of holding her wedding on Facebook. Think about what a perfect occasion that would be! The invitations are a given – chosen and sent electronically at whim – and the guests don’t need to buy a new frock for the day. They simply update their profile pic to choose how they would like to be perceived. There’s the wondrous LIKE button, so that when the celebrant posts ‘I’m about to ask Shorn if he will take Sheila for his beloved, wedded wife’, all the guests can PRESS that button to show how excited they are.
If anyone gets bored during the ceremony posts, they can ‘become a friend of’ one of the millions of groups on offer, and all the other guests can see what they’ve joined. OR members of the cyber congregation can surf the Net, MSN each other, buy a book or leave their screen and grab a cuppa.
Later, when it’s time to dance, the Facebook wedding group can meet at Crino Cycles for a bit of non-confrontational sport OR go to YouTube for some dancing and swaying.
And so is Bridezilla. Therefore her preparation must be too.
Hello reader (all one of you, *g*) Something is wrong with my blog at the mo. It’s having some sort of situation, so I apologize in advance if it’s ‘down’ or if the style changes dramatically. I hope to have things fixed up by the next post.