The Blues

Coming Soon: The iPartner 2011

On November 18, 2010, in Internet, iPartner, by Rosie

When one of my favourite Gen Yers, Shae, responded to a Facebook update where I yelled:

I want an iPad. Kinda desperately. Then I’d like an iPhone, an iWarmblanket, an iPony and an iHusband.’

with

‘Don’t forget an iCleanthehouse’, it got me wondering.

Why I would call a beloved niece a Gen Yer?
Am I trying to be cool despite the grey hair and whiskery chin?
How difficult would it be to create an application (or app, as we try-hard Gen X peeps say) to USB into your iPhone, iPad or iBook that manifests into the perfect partner?

When Squirtbaby announced the arrival of her ergonomic, economic, environmentalonic, fantasticonic new trailer that pulls her wares to and from market, that provides extra space during the driving holiday, that absolutely completes her life and family, I christened it the iTrailer. Unfortunately, the iTrailer didn’t come with a 64GB, 3G, Wi-Fi iPad, but it doesn’t really matter.

With the new apps I’m about to suggest, Madam Squirtbaby could control her iTrailer via her iPhone, incorporating the new, glossy, do-anything iPartner 2011 with the downloading of the appropriate app. You can to, just by the touch of you iPhone. Hence, the (imagined) arrival of The iPartner, 2011*

I don’t have a jpeg of the new iParnter 2011, so we’ll have to conjure the look of it as we go: Although it’s an app, the iPartner is also a gadget. How? you may ask! Well, when the iPartner app is downloaded into your iBook, iPhone or iPad, it manifests into a solid, actual thing. It’s bigger than an iPad, bulkier than an iMac more powerful than a locomotive iTouch.

How? You may well ask! Well, it looks a little like a 6’3, short dark hair, blue-eyed, well defined, younger George Clooney! Why? You probably will ask. Well, it just does and this Gen Xer is making it up.

Still with me? There’s more.

The iPartner 2011 comes in an official case. I like to call it a skin. It’s durable, starts off extremely pretty but can age badly if you’ve just eaten fried food and need to start fingering the other apps as you stroke its browser.

With continual touching over time, the iPartner 2011 skin can become more swarthy, especially if you’re sending a lot of MSMs or emails to the same people, saying the same things. That is, try to iTouch the new iPartner all over the gadget to wear the skin evenly. It will provide better longevity and satisfaction.

The iPartner 2011 is not a toy, however there is a gaming app on the browser. A favourite game is Angry Bird, HD, where the iPartner’s slingshot is pulled and balls plummet hard and fast in an effort to destroy mad chicks.

The slingshot feature is included with the iPartner 2011. No downloading is required for the accessibility to what simply amounts to a joystick.

Without the use of complex HTML, GeekSpeak, Widgets, Wodgets, or Plugins, the iPartner can vacuum a room and wash dishes. It can dust the shelves, read ebooks to the kids, organize your calendar, emails, yahoo, gmail, twitter, facebook, myspace, myface, tumblr, wordpress, stress-test, clean mess.

It has a mute button, so it goes about these things quietly and cannot answer with a smart comment or a nasty aside.

It has backlighting. If you’re in the mood for romance but prefer the lights down (perhaps you’re menopausal? Maybe you’re shy?) the iPartner’s backlighting is just a touch away.

If you’re not inclined, the iPartner has a handy dandy list of template responses it can tweet at you, email to you, text at you, say to you (providing the mute button is on default) ranging from ‘I have a sore eye (i)’ to ‘not tonight, baby. I have a mircosoft virus’.

The iPartner 2011 never demands. It works seamlessly with iTunes to provide ambient music to match your mood, uploads your photos automatically and presents them on an abdominal screen. It always states ‘Gee, you look sexy in that picture,’ to every photo you are in, and will make a slideshow of YOU photos with appropriate music.

The iPartner 2011 does not eat or snore. It doesn’t bitch or gossip. Unfortunately, it cannot cook yet, but the 2012 upgrade app promises to include GPS navigation of the best kitchens in the world and download it to interface with your kitchen. The 2012 upgrade comes with a ‘barefoot’ choice of skin.

There’s more, but that’s best saved for when orders are more concrete. Yes, it comes at a price ($) but ask yourself: can you afford NOT to have an iPartner 2011?

Beta versions now available.

♥♥♥♥♥

* this blog entry has been written in jest. No iProduct nor Mac/Apple logo has been vilified or corrupted. In fact, I *heart* anything Apple and I would NEVER vilify, mock, belittle, sneer at the corporation — oh, except when my MacBook screen freezes over. Grrrrrrr.