It’s always horrific when someone young passes away. When that person has been in the public eye, it’s almost excruciating because there’s opportunity for judgement and vitriol about lifestyle choices, the trappings of the rich ‘n famous, the waste of life, coin, talent.
Sometimes, I think we forget about struggles. If we’ve not been held prisoners of our minds or addictions, we don’t realize how excruciating the process of existence can be — it can be the most traumatic thing about life. To wake up in the morning, still in the same head space, only to breathe in some more of that paranoia or negativity or intestinal-scraping craving. Living is hard.
This post isn’t about Amy Winehouse. I’m not a YUGE fan, but have enjoyed her music and voice over the years. It’s not about Heath Ledger and his final days or Michael Hutchence and his predilections. It’s not about Kurt Cobain and the what ifs, nor is it about whether Andy Gibb was depressed about the Bee Gees. Let’s not go near the writings and life of Sylvia Plath for this one, either.
It’s certainly not about asserting that death is the only viable option for the cessation of head noise, nor is it a claim that A_Winehouse (et al) was mentally ill.
(Hopefully) It’s about empathy and realization.
Perhaps (sometimes) we might think that drug addicts want to be ‘junkies’. As though they want to be cool, edgy, and the only way to live as a rockstar is to stick needles in arms or shove stuff up noses. That they can stop if they want to. They can get clean if they try. They can, they just don’t have the self discipline.
Our own addictions might be less life threatening? Exercise, shoe shopping, facebook, tv shows, pasta, blogging … and we can stop if we want to, just like a drug addict … but can we? For some, it’s not that easy.
Drug addictions might be inherent of a mental illness problem. A result of, either a precursor or panacea to the issue? It’s the whole ‘chicken and egg’ question regarding head noise, isn’t it? Whether the noise is THERE and the drugs/drink medicate the mind and bring (temporary) ease OR if the drugs have elicited the problem, like the link between weed and schizophrenia.
Years ago, I might have written something along the lines of ‘bloody Amy Winehouse. She was so talented and had everything going for her. Wonderful voice, good looks, great representation. Now she’s dead, and really? There’s no one to blame but herself.’
Sure. She’s responsible for her choices (as are we all), but there was the underlying problem. Perhaps it began with her trying drugs, but maybe it was a symptom of something else? If she had wasted away in front of our eyes with cancer, would we be having the same conversations? Alas, with drug addiction (and head noise) comes BEHAVIOURAL changes that we mightn’t see if she’d gotten progressively worse from cancer on the world’s rock stage. Apparently, she was a prat. People — everyone — tried to help her, but she still couldn’t get her act together.
Had she faded away from cancer, we might have said ‘gee, give the girl a break. She’s terminal. Poor kid.’ We could have given her chemo, helped with hair loss, sent her to alternative healers, supplied enough morphine to get her through, and through and finally through …
But self-harm via snorting or injecting is worse in our eyes. There’s the sheer frustration and sickening resignation that we can’t give that person anything to get well unless they want it. The brain’s chemistry wants what the brain’s chemistry wants, and sometimes the addict or head noise sufferer just can’t improve despite our best intentions. We do need to secure our own air masks first. Only then can we provide help.
Do they want it? That’s not for me to answer, but if you’ve ever woken up and wished you hadn’t, day after day after day, then perhaps you might have an inkling of what it’s like. Maybe you just don’t sleep, so the mind doesn’t ever rest and the positive options are reduced to nothing?
Recently, one member of my family wrote to another about how life can, indeed, be shit ‘but it can also be joyous’ … or something along those lines, sorry to misquote. I hold these sentiments close to my heart. Unfortunately, those who need these words most can’t discern them from all the other noise that jars about their brains. It can end up killing their will to live. It’s just all too hard.
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2 Responses to Death as an Option
I am so grateful that there are people like you Rosie who can articulate what some of us are thinking/feeling but can’t put into words. As someone who has been in a 12 step fellowship for 2 years, I have been exposed to a lot of people with problems and one of the greatest gifts I have received is the ability to be non-judgemental. Or at least LESS judgemental than I used to be. I have a lor of acceptance going on and this brings with it serenity. I don’t want to sound like Pollyanna and I can still make snap judgements about people/places and things, but I have awareness around it and take a step back and stop my thoughts progressing any further. As Atticus Finch said in To Kill a Mockingbird, until you have walked in another mans’ shoes, there’s no way of knowing what he/she is going through. Having had a few brushes with depression/anxiety disorder myself, I have great empathy for others who also suffer with mental health issues. As you said, you can’t get away from what is going on in your head. I remember waking up (when I was suffering anxiety/panic attacks) and for the first few seconds everything is ok, then reality kicks in and you remember that you are unwell and there is no escaping it. If you have a sore head or limb, you take a painkiller, but when your head is messed up often there is no escape. And that is very very scary. And whilst I never wanted to suicide, I understood for the first time in my life how someone might want to. So this is something I feel very passsionate about and I thank you for putting it into words. xxxxxxxx
Hi Di. Lovely to see you down this way and hope your sunny paradise is nicer than the southern climes atm.
You articulate very well yourself, thanks very much
and one of the greatest gifts I have received is the ability to be non-judgemental. Or at least LESS judgemental than I used to be
Your Pollyanna comment made me smile. I hear you re this. I was much more judgmental than I am, although find there are times when I still have the tendency. Life keeps teaching us, though. Perspective is a wonderful thing, and it’s one of the things I’m grateful for as a result of being less judgmental.
I’ve thought a bit about AW in the last day or so and just find myself consumed by ‘us’ as a society of ‘watchers’. It’s like being part of a media-horde that has terrible bystander apathy and a voyeuristic tendency to love watching drama (in this case, the demise of a young woman, probably more noted for her behaviour and drug-related stuff then her actual music). Makes me sick, really, but doesn’t stop me being part of it (not actively, but by reading mags or looking at pics). In a way, this could be ‘actively participating’, I suspect.
The world we live in? A strange old place.
I hope your brain is well at the moment. It’s an organ of oddness, the old grey matter!
Again, thanks for your insight. I appreciate it here xxx
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