The Blues

Evolution

On May 6, 2011, in Family, Life, by Rosie

If we are all a sum total of our life experiences, then what is family? Is it the product of all our experiences, squared by our environment, added to the time we’re together, divided by the time we’re apart? Is blood thicker than water, diluted by estrangement or bolstered by happiness?

What if our family is dysfunctional? Gosh, that word is used a lot to describe families nowadays and it seems to incorporate anything from the quirky clashes to sibling separation to entire unit disintegration. Whether our own families are dysfunctional or operate in harmony might depend upon the person you’re asking. Whether everyone hates each other’s guts or are BFF with their sibos, cousins and nephews might be based on the opinions you’re listening to.

My family, my fears.

When you’re part of a big gang, it’s easy to do lots of different things. Hide, hiss. Hate. Blame, manipulate, evade. Laugh, fight, share, talk, empathize. Assume any number of default personalities (you know the types? Rebel, people-pleaser, pacifist, hater, bitch, clown, eldest, baby, only son, gifted, challenged, mouse, sporty, fatty.)

The roles are infinite. Probably as extreme as our imagination will allow and probably just as inaccurate.

When you’re part of an extended tribe, it’s easy to get lost, then found again. It’s easy to make a friend, provoke an argument, eat faster than your cousin so you get the last of Nona’s zeppole, make snide comments under your breath, make a noise. It’s hard to get noticed otherwise. It’s very difficult to get some alone time if you need it, and escape from questions about the alone time and why you need it when the occasion arises.

Twenty years ago, I didn’t like being part of a massive undertaking. There were too many expectations. I was too busy and important and wrapped up in the admiration of self. (This is an ongoing process, of course!)

A decade ago, I didn’t know if I liked being part of a massively growing undertaking. There were more expectations, more anniversaries, birthdays, routines and rituals. I was way too busy and important in my edgy relationships and my attractive life … oh, and that eternal admiration of self.

The old bloke that helped give me life would always say (in between us disagreeing about war and the strength of women and sexual preferences) that rituals are so important to families. For families. That you need to be there for each other whenever you can, no matter the circumstance.

But I hated being bound by ‘another family commitment’.

My family, my fiasco.

Are we dysfunctional? Nup. Are we perfect and jolly and full of 1950s blond-headed verve? Nope. Are we infallible to the point where we can feel superior and special? No-weee. We function. Sometimes very well, other times like a group of whoozy heifers on cow speed.

Imagine that? There’s a lot of love, mooing and psychedelic milk flow.

In 2009, I made a decision to stop taking family for granted. It didn’t mean that I would always agree with them, would stop throwing softballs at their wrists to break bones (lol) or never want to slap faces. It happens occasionally and is bound to occur in the future (although softball games have been cancelled due to wimpage).

It took a loss to make me realize that my family is more than expectations, role-playing, tag-wearing and definite commitments. Much more than pleasing and pandering and always doing the right thing. It has become a place to be supported. To comfort and provide shelter, to listen and express and understand that someone CAN change, even within the boundaries of such a large group. It’s not everything for every member and nor should it be. It’s fluid and dynamic.

My family. My fortress.

And if I could take away your pain, I would. If I could make stuff better or bring you back or make you see how much we’ve changed, I’d do that too. We’re evolving and we’re here for each other. We are a sum total of all shared experience, yes, but no longer crippled by expectations and tags.

Our family. Our future. Love youse guys, and thanks.