The Blues

Funky & Chicken Do iMac Envy ®

On September 28, 2011, in Family, Internet, iPartner, by Rosie

Our favourite Carpet Whisperers are not slowing down, despite a family member ‘catching’ Chicken in her ‘dressing gown at 9.30′, reading the paper instead of hanging out the washing ‘which has just finished’.

(Just in case we were wondering why she wasn’t already out at the line, standing on a plastic chair, suspended 5 metres above concrete and a square patch of grass that has been protected, admired, not-played-upon and made love to for the better part of 30 years. There is even rumour that on Black Saturday and Ash Wednesday, Funky went out in his singlet, shorts and long white socks to feed the lawn, place grey water upon it, then cover it in fire-retardant materials.)

But back to Chicken and her washing. It may have been left, wet, in the machine for up to 10 minutes post-wash cycle! (Imagine the mold!). Although the front-loading machine is a ‘bit of a bother. You can’t add clothes to the cycle once it’s started, you know? But your father? He always wants the latest of everything. I still prefer the top-loader …’

According to our Mole in the ground, Funky has been restless lately. His iPad and gazillion assorted apps — ranging from ‘Cut the Rope: Magic Box Edition’ through to ‘Flight Simulator for Choppers and Planes’, from ‘Gardening with the Stars’ (astrological) through to ‘Plants and Zombies’ — are loads of fun. He reads on his iPad, does crosswords, crashes airships, downloads audiobooks, emails grandchildren.

There are two things lacking in the Octogenarian lifestyle of the Funky and Famous, though! A use for Apple’s Face Time (the high def video screen that’s a lot like Skype, but newer) and the Mother-lode of all iTOYS.

The iMac for Octos.

(more on the Face Time fiasco in another post)

There’s no such thing as the iMac for Octos, but now he’s Apple-Aware, he believes that these mother cutters are definitely for the elderly! Funky has computer envy. Long gone is the time when he lorded it over everyone in the family about his super, spanking brand new iPad. Sure, he waited 79 years and 7 months to get the damn thing and he loves it more than his 6th child, but now a sprinkling of his brood own iMacs. Blimey Teddy, but he wants one!

It hasn’t helped that one of his sons-in-law uses a massive-screened one and (has always) raved about the mac product.

‘Funky, you really need to replace your PC,’ say some of his grandsons, a daughter, a son-in-law or two. ‘Funky, you love your iPad, why not get a Mac. You’ll love your Mac, it’s like an iPad on steroids. Big. Strong. Fast. Would win the Hard Drive Olympics and can run the 100m in 4 seconds flat. Unlike an athlete on ‘roids, won’t be caught or have to give back its gold medal. Oh, and won’t become androgenous …’

‘Funky, if you don’t get an iMac for your home, you’re missing out! The technology? It makes the front-loading washing machine look like a large stone and stream. It makes the high-def, flat screen TV look like a 1940s family sitting round the wireless listening to wartime plays.’

‘GET ONE, FUNKY, FOR ***K SAKE!’

Poor Funk. He really is in turmoil. The more he’s teased, the worse he behaves with Chicken. They say (well, Chicken does, anyway) that once people reach a certain age, they return to child-like antics. It’s a well known fact. It’s fair to say that Funky has wanted everything yesterday ever since he was … say … BORN. Well, the Mole in the ground was witness to this exchange at the kitchen table of the Funkster and Chickaboo a couple of days ago:

‘We really need a new computer,’ says Funky, for the umpteenth time that week. A stamp of the foot and a pout wouldn’t have looked out of place at that moment.

‘Oh, Funky,’ says Chicken, rolling her eyes towards the Mole, looking for female support. ‘We need a lot of new things. We’ve just had a holiday, for goodness sake, and then you had to run out and get that navigational system.’ (um, yes Chicken, that’s a sat-nav). As though we needed it (more eye rolling) You were happy enough to just stick the iPad on my knee when you wanted to find out how to get somewhere.’

The Mole chokes on her cuppa.

‘We haven’t ‘just had a holiday’ We’ve been back for months,’ continues Funky, nonplussed, as though sticking an iPad on Chicken’s knee when he wants to ‘get somewhere’ is just par for the golf course at Kooky-dom.

Chicken continues to chop vegetables for soup, alternating between chatting, tutting at Funky and reminding us both that they already have a (somewhat old) computer that works adequately.

‘Why don’t you get the smaller iMac, Funky?’ the Mole asks, hoping to find some common ground, where Chicken might be happy about price, while Funky still gets his technology.

Without drawing breath, Funky and Chicken are right on to that idea. ‘We need to be able to see, Rose,’ says one.

‘Oh, love. I don’t know! Our eyes are terrible. The largest screen is so, so vivid. Have you been to the Apple shop?’

Then: ‘You’re joking about the smaller screen, aren’t you, love? Didn’t Mac say that the big screen is the only way to go? That all the apps will open on the largest screen with ease?’

Um, probably Mac said this to them. To tease them, but OMG, he has created an iMac Envy Monster x 2

Apparently, Funky and Chicken are going to give each other an iMac for the Christmas season. Here’s ho-ho-ho-ping that the new operating system comes with a virtual ‘kooky cage’, where the large screen can reach out, snatch them inside and give them some timeout when the 80s get tough.

Coz when the 80s get tough, the descendants get going. Away. For holidays.