The Blues

Funky & Chicken Vs Apple Inc

On March 22, 2011, in Family, Internet, iPartner, by Rosie

We have this annual event down here called the FebFast, aka ‘February Fast, Month Without Grog, Dry Month, OMFG What Will I Do Without Alcohol for 28 days clear, 29 days if I’m Unlucky’?

That’s right. It’s an excellent initiative that asks Aussies to take a month off booze, giving the money they’d spend on wine, whiskey and winnebagoes (actually, the final item in that list is allowed, as long as you don’t drink the RV) to a charitable cause or worthy foundation.

Funky, the fictitious octogenarian, likes a drink. If he was real, I reckon he’d enjoy some stubbies, a half-bottle o’ red and a whiskey on what he considers an ‘alcohol-lite day’.

Now, the intent of this post isn’t to praise/knock the FebFast, discuss the dangers/inherent pleasures of wine or divide the dinner table into FebFasters/Not FebFasters — it’s to recount a story of goal-setting, incentives and achievement in the 21st century.

Funky wants an iPad. Funky wanted an iPad so desperately, he made a pledge to the FebFast (and Chicken) that Oxfam would get his February wine and whiskey money, but he needed further oooooomph if he was going to deny his booty of his elixir of choice.

What about the new John Grisham book? Nah. Too ordinary. What about a visit to the Greenery for a new plant that you might be able to insert into a cm square of earth that’s left. Nah. It will make the garden too messy. What about a pony? God no! It would poo all over the backyard and nuzzle against the duco of the car.

The logical step up is the iPad. It’s exactly what an 80-year old bloke wants, it’s all the rage, you can play Angry Birds, Cut the Rope, Bin Toss, Ship Spotto and Sexual Scrabble on it whenever it takes your fancy. If Funky’s going to give up his simple pleasures for a month, then the only trophy is the latest in Apple goodness. He set his sights on the iPad prize.

Roll around the end of February and the conclusion of the FebFast. Obviously, the fast is based on a self-regulated honour system and I’m not suggesting that Funky would have broken his vow. Also, Chicken would have announced it via the world’s press, quoting ‘his eyes have always been too big for his stomach, although by looking at his stomach, you wouldn’t know it!’

On March One, Funky and Chicken took themselves off to the pristine, beloved local Apple Store.

They had already asked about the release of the NEW iPad 2 and been told once that none of the staff (either here or overseas) knew of the pending date. On arrival at the gorgeous shop featured above, they asked another attractive, trendy young fellow about the release date of the iPad 2. He told them that he didn’t know when it would be and ferried them over to gush about the iPad Original.

*insert subtext* Here are some elderly, feebly-minded technical people. Let’s offload some older stuff before the new way iPad 2 comes in.

Whether that was the intent of the sale or not isn’t the question. Funky was SO entranced with iPad Original that he wrapped his arms around it, held it to his (not bloated) stomach (he’d been on the FebFast, remember) and fell in Uber Love. He had to have it immediately, wanted it wired into his brain.

Imagine sitting in a rocker recliner, glass of red wine by your side, bifocals slipping down your nose as you peruse and press an iPad? What more does a Funky really want?

Within a week, there’d been a Cry of Reckoning coming outta Hygiene Heights and the nest of Funky and Chicken. A divorce, where Funky had been the cuckolded partner and the iPad Original had lied on the mail-bride visa just to get out of the shop! The new iPad 2 was in town and its release date had hit the press only 15 hours AFTER Funky and Chicken had purchased their Original.

Oh, my Lord! Reports coming outta Hygiene Heights suggest thated Funky ws so disappointed he forgot to turn the washing for the second time so the setting sun hit the corner of each item it was drying to perfection. Chicken was so irrate that she missed a day of cleaning and didn’t even feel like going to Greensborough. Things were grim!

Funky and Chicken required debriefing. They were offered favours, from daughters, sons-in-law, strangers even — these people would take back the iPad Original and explain ‘what had gone down … *insert Chicken’s raised voice* we were lied to! Not once but twice!‘ and ask for a credit note for the iPad 2.

No. No way! Funky and Chicken would go it alone. They would return to the Shop o’ Glorious Technology and speak up about this international travesty.

The night before the showdown, Funky couldn’t sleep. Luckily the FebFast was over, so he had a wee dram of whiskey for Dutch courage. In the end, it wasn’t needed (although enjoyed). Although he had ripped the iPad Original box a little (OH NO, they will never take it back now! He wailed, sipping more whiskey) the staff member relieved Funky of his vice-like grip on iPad Original and even asked him if he’d like a gift card for the iPad 2!

A HUGE sigh of relief was noted throughout the land.

Now that they have their countdown clock on for the Friday-iPad Day, the bad news has hit the fan: ‘um, Funky? Sometimes Apple products are really hard to get when they first come out. Are you okay with that?’

I held out a seat just in case he needed to plop down with defeat. Instead, he marched off to his bedroom in search of their plastic wrapped, never used, spotlessly clean sleeping bag.

*sighs*