The Blues

How to ‘Speak Aussie’ and What Not to Touch Down Under

On July 8, 2010, in Australia, Barrow Pushing, Friends, by Rosie

A few days ago, I had the honour of meeting David Bojorquez. Among his many, non-tiny talents, David is a warm, generous man and a gifted conversationalist. He is passionate life crusader, visiting our shores to nurture a broader basis for his charitable endeavors with 2SenseWorth. He’s also working closely with Karen Burgess to develop Melbourne-based Lightmaker Productions, a multi-media company that aims to foster the lightness and rightness of Australian talent. Talent with soul.

All very serious work! Wonderful, inspiring work!

However, David needs a blankie (read: security blanket) when it comes to speaking Australian. For all his experience, amazing life journey and desire to ‘make a difference’, David is sorely lacking in the fundamentals of Orrstralyan grammar. He has a great sense of humour. With that in mind, may I present:

Fangirl Sings the Blues — A Guide to Speaking Aussie, Mate.

1. When an Australian sells you something and describes it as ‘alright’, then you know it’s pretty damn good. If he/she offers you something that is ‘really good’, then — by American standards — it’s fantastic.

2. If an Aussie tells you something is ‘bloody amazing, awesome, or ripsnorter (this person is most likely from the 70s) then it’s better than sliced bread, bigger than Glee and must be taken home and shown to everybody. It’s beyond fabulous.

3. Some Aussies will walk out of a cafe and forget to pay for their cup of tea! These people can be described (within reason) as NQR, or Not Quite Right. Whoops. Sorry, boyo. Will buy you a glass of red on your next visit, probably Coonawarra Cab Sav.

4. ‘No worries’ means a lot of things. It can say that everything really ‘is fine’, it might mean that ‘okay, I’ve heard what you’ve said, and I’m not that rapt’, or it could suggest ‘I don’t know what else to say.’ It’s all about the tone and delivery. The best thing for an American to hear when he/she is the recipient of a ‘no worries’ is that (maybe) ’everything’s beaut’. If he/she gets bashed in the face, then you kinda know it’s not.

5. A thong is worn on the foot in summer, not betwixt the buttocks under a tight pair of pants.

6. Rooting is an intimate act. To ‘root’ means to indulge in a sexual antic, NOT to barrack for a team and/or people. Thus, ‘I’m rooting (for) you’ is not something to yell out at the footy … unless you’re into a melee, gang-bang style of sport.

7. Maths must be pluralized. It’s all about the numbers. Hence, the study of Math will have you at the speech therapist with a lisp diagnosis.

8. David, when you said ‘I’ll write you,’ I thought you meant to get a piece of paper and write the word you upon it. If you want to keep in contact, guyfriend, please write to me.

9. The only tip we want to understand is your prediction for the probable winner of Race 5 at Flemington. We don’t want money for carrying your bag, we only want you to shout us a cup of tea (or a glass of Majella Red) when you visit our shores. And by shout, please don’t get drunk and yell at us. (not that David would, just speaking hypothetically here!)

10. To us, a bellhop sounds like a good name for a horse or one of the indigenous wildflowers found in the far-reaches of Western Australia. Luckily, we’ve been desensitized by watching a whole heap of your telly shows for the past half-century, so many of your word choices and linguistics are familiar to us. The phrase ‘Down Under’ should be used crudely and in joking form whenever possible.

David, it was a pleasure. Thanks for sharing your time, interests and viewpoints over a cup of tea or three the other day. I hope to write more about 2SenseWorth and Lightmaker Productions as news comes to hand, and I trust your drive and warm smile ensures the success of both projects in our country. We are a nation of generosity, albeit delivered causally and slowly at times.

As we say down here, ‘safe travels and seeya soon!’