The Blues

Lucy in the Skype … with rhinestones

On September 27, 2010, in Family, Friends, Internet, by Rosie

Is there such thing as ‘Skype Etiquette?’

If not, then it’s time to write a (small) handbook about the ifs, buts, butts and whats of Skype usage.

Until recently, I was a Skype Resister. Much as I was a chop resister — ‘I HATE LAMB CHOPS,’ I was heard to say as a youth, while chowing down my mother’s 10th cutlet and drinking all my dad’s red wine. I was also a Facebook resister — ‘Facebook is rubbish and will never take the place of Livejournal,’ came this moody, arrogant voice from the south, till I realized most of my family and some good friends were on FB.

Such a sheep. Not pulling the wool over your eyes, either, dags!

Historically, I was also a lipstick resister until my withered, sun-bleached lips slid into my gums and disappeared from my face. Now I embrace every single make-up product known to woman, cake it on the skin like clotted cream and use it to clag the holes that keep appearing in the side of my face.

The moral of this story: there are some things in life too good to resist for very long! Now I’ve discovered Skype, I’m onboard, with flags, pompoms and full-on face-to-face chat time.

I’m a Skype Junkie. An Embracer of Skype.

Before Skyping with my sis later this week, I think it’s important that the Skype Etiquette bullet points are cemented in cyber soil. It’s different to phoning a friend. When you’re involved in phone talk, anything goes. You can be in your PJs, cooking unfertilized eggs, tending the ferals, rubbing your nostril, nearly nude, bedraggled, shaving armpits, even romping on a romper. The person your chatting with doesn’t have to know (unless you’re inclined to tell ‘em, then that might take your relationship to a different level again!)

Not so with Skype.

It’s visual. Intimate. It’s live feed (whatever that is, but I’m pretty sure it doesn’t involve food) and you need to refuse the temptation to scratch the itch that could otherwise be scratched if you had the privacy of the phone! Especially if that itch is irritating an intimate, non-visual place that could be detected by a screen.

So much to consider. I guess it’s not a good idea to Skype when you’ve had a few, either. It might make you more likely to scratch that intimate itch or experiment with the notion that ‘Live Feed Does Involve Food’, force your fish mouth over the screen and attempt to devour it. All with tomato sauce.

See? This is where etiquette must be established. Protocols. Bylaws. An entire dictum of Skype manners and good taste.

Fangirl Sings the Blues Guide to Skype Etiquette:

• Make sure your hair is neat. No one wants to look at a HD, multi-million pixelated version of Bed Hair! If they wanted to see that, they’d call in before school drop-off, not move thousands of kilometres away and Skype you. They want a well presented Skypeeee, ffs.

• Ensure that you don’t have a remnant of herb between your teeth. You know, the trusty sprig of rosemary or parsley that will jam between your incisors after a good feed of herbal bread or biscuit? Clean your chompers pre-Skype, thanks!

• Get out of your pyjamas, you cutter! For goodness sake, it’s best to ignore the incoming Skype if you’ve still got your bedclothes on! If the Skypeeee wanted to see you in your sleepwear, they’d make an appointment. They could always come over here at about 8 pm if that was a specific requirement of the friendship.

• Don’t Skype someone when you’re cooking dinner, in the middle of smacking children, if your urinary receptors are being tickled by your brain. USE YOURS! (Brain, that is, not urinary receptors!) If you know you’re going to get interrupted, don’t ring!

• Never mock someone’s ambience. Don’t say ‘Oh, my God, you have an orange wall behind you! Who uses orange paint for their interiors?’ Or, ‘your vase is very … large! Are you sure that’s just for flowers?’ Or, ‘your curtains are old! Beyotch!’

• Don’t stand up during Skype-o-course (or is that interSkype?). It’s offputting. It’s a little like leaving the table before your date has finished eating. It’s not as bad as leaving the bed before your date has finished, but that’s a whole different level of Skype and best to be left for a more intimate, itch-free post in this blog.

• Above all, Skype responsibly. With great Skype-access, comes great Skype-responsibility. One horror Skype patch shouldn’t ruin your day, but if you continue to Skype carelessly, it could ruin the joy for every Skypeeee on the planet.

Oh! And if you do see Lucy in the Skype with Rhinestones? Then you probably belong in the 1960s, might have been using too much LSR and listening to Beatles music prior to a visitation with the Maharishi.

Enjoy.