A series of emails ranting about the plight of getting older. Written by a Female Methuselah, who is a real whinger.
Subject Line: Skin Tags, WTF?
In days of old — way back in the 1980s or 90s — the only tags this Methuselah was accustomed to were those labels that hung on the neckline of clothes. Sure, in a rash of confusion, or whenever I came across an article of clothing that might have been foreign to my eyes (eg: a backless dress, a halter top, a gabardine something) the tag may have ended up at the front of the item. Even on the outside, but hey? We can’t be good at everything. That’s why we have siblings.
Ever since Madame Methuselah turned Four-Oh, the concept of ‘tag’ has taken on an entirely different meaning. Ne’er a morning goes by when one doesn’t awaken to a new weird and wonderful skin mark appearing upon the exquisite, southern hemisphere-raised and maintained dermis.
A tiny red circle here, a jolly mother-cutting freckle there. A bumpy, humpy mole under here, a barnacle that makes a whale’s blubber look pretty over there.
So, so attractive.
Smaller, trifling sun spots take on different elements too. Those that might have been pert and relatively cute on twenty-year old skin, start to morph into larger conglomerates that make the melding of tectonic plates look like a small dimensioned dappling. Once a medical practitioner assures a Methuselah-like person that the sunspot is (relatively) normal and no, they are not turning into a lizard, the older individual is left to ponder how it is that his/her skin is changing into some sort of hide.
Then there’s the dryness.
Luckily, we are only discussing the skin tonight. Perhaps in future ‘Musing wif Methuselah’ post, other avenues of the body might be addressed for their utter lack of moisture, but for now the dermis and its desert-like environs is enough to contemplate. Lest my face fall off through sheer tiredness at the ability to hold itself up at this time of the day!
Methuselah’s skin is becoming so acrid that if it was fried in oil, it would no longer rise as a crisp, light tempura-type of batter. It would shrink even more, absorbing the fats as a plastic bag might absorb fire. It’d prune and wrinkle further, dry beyond a shadow of a crisp and be forever lost as actual skin. And if a stranger was to come across this item, previously known as Methuselah’s skin, they would scream ‘My eyes, my eyes’ due to the complete lack of moisture in the atmosphere around this shrunken, sickening, dried up, withered item.
Truthfully? It’s not like I’ve taken great care of my skin. Genetically, the skin I’m in was always going to be subjected to a tag or two, a freckle or three, a fatty cyst, a mole (and that’s just the person beneath!) a dab of scabies, a dob of foot rot. But for goodness sake! I didn’t know that I’d be encased in a motley crew of bibs and bobs by the time I entered my fifth decade! I thought I might have a decade of forgiveness up my sleeve (but no. Now I have a mole that grows random black hairs and a solar system of spots.)
But it’s okay. Don’t they say that beauty is only skin-deep and that you’re only as young as the skin that you’re feeling? Both idioms are complete and utter BS compared with something important this Methuselah discovered last week. No longer can I pinch my skin as a face-pulling joke (or to check on the pliability and strength of muscles). The older skin no longer bounces back with the verve and vigour of a nineteen-year old bottom that has performed 50 x squats, 50 x Leg extensions, 20 mins of sprinting, 25 mins of exercise bike, 1000 step ups, etc.
In the place of a pinch and funny face lies a wrinkle and a bruise. And overnight this patch of dermis may well grow a new skin tag, just to remind Methuselah of the skin sins of her past.
Oh age! You truly are the great equalizer.
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9 Responses to Musing wif Methuselah
Hahahaha, hate to tell you……ya ain’t seen nuthin yet!!!!! But love you anyway. xoxoxo
Gay! That’s not very helpful lady, tho I’ll take the unconditional skin tag love, thanks.
I’ve done a lot of sprinting. Maybe that will help my body cope with aging. OMFG! Remember those words with regard to my pending labour, ffs.
Miss you! Can’t wait for the trip. Will catch up soon re meet up and Darwin interlude. Love lots to you and PB
x
Rosie recently posted..Lego™ Lust
We’ll NEVER forget that labour comment, LOL. But at least your body can recover from labour, ageing won’t go away…….maybe a quick trip to Thailand could “mask” the effects tho, what ya think???
Can’t wait for Darwin, then I’m coming home to Melb……yippee. Chat soon xoxoxo
Yes to a quick therapeutic trip into Thailand re facial recon and overhaul. I hope it doesn’t involve large schools of fish eating skin cells off moi face.
ewwwwwwww.
Chat soon, lady.
Rosie recently posted..Peeta & Gale
Now I know what I have to look forward to, thanks ever so much. Be thankful you don’t have Varicose veins. Thankfully my mother has informed me of the reasons she has her painful, support sock wearing inducing, throbbing, I can’t stand for long periods of time, veins, and now I will avoid having children of my own at all cost.
The good thing tho, hon? VV are very treatable, so hopefully by the time you grow them properly, they’ll be an iPad app to ZAP those cutters from the suface of your pins. Yep, they run in ours too, and there will be a ranty email about vv one day, I’m sure.
Hope all is well. I haven’t had ONE original thought about that podcast yet, so sorry : ( Hope you have, tho
Rosie recently posted..Lego™ Lust
7 days later I reply! I’ve had some success, but I keep getting distracted by life, and entertainment. VV’s of the brain do not throb with witty words for the air waves. I have however been asked to actually take part in the podcast as more than just a spoof commercial maker.
Oh hon! Good for you, I can’t wait to hear all about it and soz to have been a pathetic help. Brain is etched and itchy at the moment.
Great news.
Age doesn’t matter. You have the ability that younger cannot did, though they have also the ability that you can’t did. But you have passed that kind of years, so you are truly great than younger ones.