The Blues

On Attention Seeking and Bust Lines

On May 12, 2010, in Family, Modern Bride's Handbook, by Rosie

The Modern Bride’s Handbook – The Final 4

There’s a great deal of news from the Bridezilla front, but in the spirit of blogging, I’m hoping that there’s a little response today. If you have ANY gossip from the trenches of Groomenstein or the lockdown of Bridezilla, please leave a comment here. (I need some fodder for the MC role). Also, for those that don’t know Bridezilla (Sheila) or Groomenstein (Shorn), I wonder if you have any wedding tales to tell.

I’ve been told three times in the last couple of weeks that people don’t like to comment here because they feel ‘overwhelmed’ or ‘geeky’ or ‘shy’ or ‘unwanted and unloved’.

The latter is true. By and large, I am a hater, but I would love some of the shy peeps (that I hate) to come forward and be brave enough to say ‘hi’ or even ‘hoi’.

And I haven’t even got to the ‘attention-seeking’ part of the post yet!

Tuesday, May 11. Melbourne: 1500:

Reports from Bridezilla camp yesterday indicate that Cassandra, MOBster of the Bride, has not completed her outfit with only hours to go. In typical Cass style, she has a 3/4 finished ensemble, electing to leave stockings and clutch until the very last minute possible. Bridezilla claims ‘I believe my mother LOVES the attention associated with the theatre of outfit selection. She is WANTING everyone to say: oh, my god, Cass! When will you get your handbag! Because WE have a history of competition, I think that Cass will RUN to the shopping centre on Saturday, grab a fancy YSL clutch off the closest stand, and pay an exorbitant amount of money for it, JUST to have the other guests talking!’

Hmm! Do we detect healthy mother-daughter competition? Rumour has it that people in the know anticipate Cass throwing down her plastic card for $1000 dollars at the very last minute, simply to say ‘oh. I had to spend a ‘UGE amount on this dastardly bag!’

Time will tell!

Bridal Party in Lockdown:

A great deal of secrecy is surrounding the fabric, design and fitting of the bridal gown. It’s said that Bridezilla is taking the wedding edict of ‘keeping the dress under wraps until aisle time’ to the nth degree. Apparently, when trying the outfit on at the final fitting, witnesses (who have been gagged ever since) said she couldn’t take her EYES off herself. ’I look magnificent,’ she was heard to say.

The wedding party has been sworn to silence. They haven’t ventured out, they are in full manicured, fitting, waxing, eyelash enhancing, henna tattooing-mode. Bridezilla’s younger sister, Gizella, was reported to joke on Facebook that ‘she was sashaying about the house in the bridal gear’, only to be sanctioned, detained and locked within her room. Bridezilla’s older sister, Godiva, has been too afeared to say anything. The lockdown continues.

Bras:

One nameless relative of Bridezilla elected to get her ‘first fitting of Le Underwears in nigh on 40 years.’ She chose a lingerie shop and a navy bra to complement her wedding dress. (Harry) Who would have known that an under-item would cost such a large amount of monies ($50 per cup, the clasp was free … ew, too much information).

Trying to justify, this nameless relative took comfort in the fact she’d finally been fitted properly after all these years, and her cash was well spent on attaining her bra size. She could go into a large department store at any time and purchase cheaper versions of that size.

Upon getting her new bra home and looking inside the clasp, she found the sizing to be in French! Mon Dieu

Heels:

The pitch of heels amid the bridal party and guests is sure to be very, very high. In an email from last week, one gorgeous member of the family wrote, ‘I was practising walking in those high heels, just so I would get used to being flowing and elegant. I tripped over the electric cord of the vacuum, hit my chin on the cupboard and bit the inside of my tongue.’

At least the wound inside her mouth will NOT be visible in photos.

PHOTOS:

Finally, the less photogenically strong members of the group have been training on digital cameras all over the city, preparing their ‘best sides’ for film, and attempting to take pics where their eyes DO NOT look as though they have been opened by a mechanical wrench. It’s working.

For some. Being an excellent subject of a photo myself, I’d like to leave this post today by giving some Dowager advice on how to take the perfect pic. It’s all about feeling natural and comfortable, and here are some hints we can add to the handbook:

• relax all face muscles. Try not to worry if your eyes feel like they are shuttered. Stretching them open will only lead to eyebrow tilt UP, and mouth pursed into an O

• DO NOT speak during the course of the snappage. This will lead to eyes as described above.

• Pretend you can see a happy sight over the top of the photographers head — puppies frolicking, candy canes dancing, Justin Bieber NOT singing, kittens scratching at one of those stick things. Then ‘close’ your face down for an instant. ONLY an instant, mind (otherwise the photo will have those eye issues again) then ‘open’ your relaxed face. Works for me every, single time.

• Have another person you trust place their palm over your face just prior to the snappage of the pic. Have them speak to you in soothing tones about the beach, a glass of wine, a Buddhist temple, a mountain cabin. Then, just as the photographic presses the button, have the palm holder jerk his/her hand away. Your face will be a mirror of reflective sensuality.

• Don’t choose FOBster, Henley, to do this. You will end up with a hand over your mouth, ffs.

• Smile. It’s okay that you’re missing you’re front teeth and you’ve bitten your tongue. It’s all about the eyes, eyebrows, and being natural. I trust this helps.