The Modern Bride’s Handbook – The Final 13
White is very overrated.
So, it hides the possibility of dampness beneath the arm recesses and it reflects the sunlight so Bridezilla appears ethereal. Whoop-de-bloody-do! What about grass stains or the dregs of red wine from Chateau Le Box? What about moisture aglow on the upper lip or the stiff neck that results from aisle-walking nerves? What about the limited colour of underwears one can apply ‘neath the colour?
White is not the universal panacea, FFS!
Bridezilla traditionally wears white. I have it on excellent authority that our version of this Special Day Monster will also don the colour of driven snow, hoping to be plowed but not quite ready to thaw until the evening following the connubials, thank ya very muchly!
In accordance with some unspoken law, arising from someone at sometime, if the maiden of the day (in this case the Bride of Erin) is decked out in a white frock, then none of her invitees should DARE to wear the same colour as she! It’s one of the ‘Ten Wedding Decrees of Certainty’ that have been around the block and back for the past 2000 years.
The other nine Wedding Decrees of Certainty will appear in this blog on the morrow, as we countdown to the moment of Bridezilla e Groomenstein Manifestation.
But back to white. Or, as some would pronounce it ‘ffffffvite’. I wonder if you know people who say ‘white’ with a small ‘blow’ at the start of the word, as though the (blow) wonder of (blow) white is over(blow)whelming them? Still, this verbal tic has nothing to do with the chosen colour of the bridal ensemble.
Today, I am challenging the tenth Wedding Decree of Certainty! For 2000 years, no guest has seen fit to (blow) wear (blow) white for fear of offending Bridezilla and trying to ‘match’ the only woman in the room who should be wearing white (stops blowing). As some readers and family know, I have yet to purchase a frump-fit (that’s an ‘outfit’ for a dowager aunt with a hump). There’s no need to panic. There are ample shopping hours prior to the celebration and a myriad of styles from which to select. I have an imaginary eye on something in (blow) white and YES, I may invest in a little hair dodad just to ensure I’m on the same train as Bridezilla.
It’s not a competition, of course. As we say in the horse racing game, this nag has had her day and she is destined for the final race to the glue factory. (That’s if she’s not hoisted behind a curtain and pinged to death with a silent bullet to the brain first). If it were, say, the Melbourne Cup, Bridezilla would start the favourite with very short odds and I would be the mare everyone backs because my saddlecloth shows number 13, and I’m called ‘Old Rosie Pie.’
Bridezilla would spring from the gates. She’d race ahead, bosom magnificent in clay cast of cleavage holding, train long enough to rival the Orient Express. She take the turn with her glamourous trinket additions and a veil that makes her look like a laced version of the Sphinx.
Old Rosie Pie would be last until the home straight. There, she might move to the front of the gallopers, take off her wooly winter cloak and scarf, only to reveal that she TOO is (puffs) wearing (blows) white!
The congregation will roar in disgust. They will look at their wedding booklets (to see who is supposed to be the REAL Bridezilla) shake their heads with horror, and rip the pages up. Jeez, it’s going to be a very fun day!
White is overrated. It really, really is, but after passing the finishing post of this entry, I now have another idea for something suitable to wear. Paps, the jockey silks.
Classy!
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4 Responses to On White Weddings
Don’t see any probs here Auntie Hump. Purchase the white outfit and just prior to the nuptials, have a few slurps from the Chateaux box, a bit of a roll around in the grass……….and “hey presto” you will now be decked out in a totally “W D of C” acceptable Italian Flag Ensemble!!!!! Rosa-Maria!!
Ffs, you’re not supposed to wear white, black is considered funereal, red too passionate and green, unlucky……..OH, I know, NUDE, which in Melbourne winter will end up being blue, hence acceptable and doesn’t require shopping!!!! (although in my case, will still require IRONING!!!!!)
See ya tomorrow……..whoot, whoot. xoxoxo
See you today…….HOOOOOOORAAAAAYYYY
Are you in the air, as we speak? First class with cocktails and a private wifi phone, OR cattle class with moos and udder people sipping milkshakes?
Have a great trip, bb. love ya.
Oh, and I think the nude idea for W D of C is a GREAT one. Imagine! I still think heels might be the go, tho.
LOL @ the ironing, lady. You’re not that bad (for a gal of your age) x
That Gayle is the funniest of the clan!
My earlier offering of styling stands -- your outfit is being tweaked and fitted in my mind as I speak! I’ll even let you have input where the fabric is concerned (although I do have final say!).
That Gayle lacks a lot of subtlety, bb, but she’s a funny fish sometimes (I can say that to you because she’s in the air and won’t hear).
She TRIES to be funny, LOL.
Oy. I’m gunner ring you, if that’s okay petal.