The Blues

PWS

On May 18, 2010, in Family, Life, Modern Bride's Handbook, by Rosie

You’ve got to love a world in which we can invent a syndrome for every thought and feeling encountered by the human race.

Post Wedding Syndrome is worse than Pre Menstrual Syndrome in some ways. There are a lot of similarities between the two ‘states’, but unlike PMS, there’s no Evening Primrose Oil or Gingko or Magnesium solutions to offset the symptoms of the malady. It’s not as though all of the revelers had too much to drink at the wedding, either — if they did it would be easier to explain the onset of symptoms — but even those showing customary moderation and temperance seem to be suffering from PWS.

Perhaps they wouldn’t be if they had the traditional hangover?

PWS victims have responded to a short survey conducted by Fangirl Sings the Blues, and the results are very interesting indeed. Up to 95% mention that they feel bloated and irritable. Much like the commonly documented PMS, this symptom usually has the lower abdomen protruding above the belt line (unless you’re a Harry or Harriet High Pants) and can make one feel as though they have ingested a fully-inflated football bladder. No amount of diuretics, green tea, colon massage (nice) or forced exhalation (from both ends of the body) can help this prominence retract.

Interestingly, both male and female respondents reported this bloating, suggesting that too much mezze may have been consumed, high quantities of hop and yeast (in the form of beer) and champagne were absorbed straight into the footy bladder. Also, hoarding and ‘bagging’ of the VERY popular cupcakes was common, so anyone who took an extra box home with them and ate it after the reception deserved to feel graphically rotund (with emphasis on the tund).

Unlike PMS, males have also felt irritable during this widespread PWS manifestation. Guests of the affair do not want to return to work, have experienced instances of road rage, and feel generally ‘flat’. Obviously this ‘flatness’ is to do with psychological issues given their propensity to have non-flat, pronounced abdomens. as outlined in the bloating section.

Up to three quarters of guests have reported cramps. Unlike PMS, PWS appears to attack the archways of feet (due to stilt-like heels) and parts of the face and temples (from over-indulging and /or crying/laughing/squinting against the beading on Bridezilla’s frock). Other muscular spasms have been reported in the hands (clapping/shaking/jabbing/wiping/reapplying lip gloss), wrists (eating/drinking/waving), nasal cartilage (pollens/sniffing/sneezing), buttocks and calves (heels/walking/fighting over divine cup cakes).

A smattering of survey respondents claim to be crying more, quite headache prone, dizzy when glancing into the sun, more moody when they have to get out of bed in the morning, and complaining of being misunderstood and uncared for — as you can see, the syndrome is certainly common, very underreported and terribly under resourced at community level. Given the findings of this survey, it might be prudent to start an investigative committee to plan how to deal with groups of several hundred people at a time, roaming the streets of our cities and suffering from PWS after each weekend!

By and large the oddest symptom to eventuate from the survey was breast tenderness. We expect it as part of a PMS package, we know how to use Evening Primrose to offset its discomfort and we realize how it occurs hormonally. However, when over 96% of wedding guests report it, and the sample group involves both males and females, we appreciate that it is almost endemic for wedding revelers.

Initial guesses tend to point the finger of blame at:

• too much bench press/pec deck/pectoral fly weight training from the males in order to look buffed in their wedding shirts.

• and females? Pressage, pinching, pushing, preening, pokeage of breasts to create the perfect cleavage for the special day.

• Or, maybe a little of each for both sexes, whatever-take- your-fancy, thank you very much!

Investigations continue, but for now Post Wedding Syndrome takes the (cup) cake for no longer being hidden behind the veil.