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The mono is back.

You can no longer deny its appeal, and remember, you heard it first at The Gnarly Fashionista.

It’s everywhere.  The tiny pores that dot the top of your nose, building a previous bridge of hair invisibility betwixt your two definite eyebrows, are dying to blossom.  And blossom they will!

In the Southern Hemisphere, it’s winter tomorrow.  The monobrow is not only fashionable for the colder climate of 2010, it’s also so practical, you can no longer say ‘but jeez, it’s ugly.’ The extra hairage will keep you warm.  Not only will you look like you’re at the pinnacle of the fashion echelon, you’ll be rewarded with a glowing comfort protector from the freezing breezes.

A balaclava or beanie will no longer be required.  You’ll identify with fabulous fictional characters like werewolf Jacob Black, and you may even be admitted to some zoos of the world for nix!

What of the fashionistas in the Northern Hemisphere, starting their summer tomorrow?  When you grow your mono-browet, everyone will be so envious of your trend-setting ingenuity, they won’t notice the sheen of sweat developing upon your upper lip, your underarm, or between your cleavage.  In fact, the extra poreage, stimulated by the follicle growth of your monobrow will hasten the cooling down process, thus you will be cool, and cooler, than average!

The growing of the mono comes with added advantages.  No more watery eyes when attempting to pluck stray hairs.  No more sneezing when shaking fingers extract a tiny tuft.  No more wailing from the squelchy bed of the local beautician establishment.

It’s fashion at its most natural.  In order to really embrace this trend, it’s important to allow all the eyebrow follicles to flourish.  Those beneath the brow deserve to bud, too, and they should be nurtured in order to allow the brow to reach its fashion potential.  Try not to get distracted by the early, in between look.  It’s merely a stage to be reckoned with, and with special care, grooming and time, very soon you’ll have the full, undiluted bush betwixt your brow.

Don’t be worried about the lack of celebrity participation at the moment.  These trends need to develop momentum, and you”l find that just when Meryl, Pink, Rhianna, George, Robbie, Kylie, Madge and/or Fergie (either one) develop the monobrow, you’ll be SO over it.

Let’s hear from our experts:

Allison says: The monobrow is to die for!  I’ve always adored the look and have embraced the concept since I turned 10 years old.  It’s the way to go for the Australian winter, and I intend to start growing mine out immediately.

Gayle says: I wholeheartedly concur with the Gnarly Fashionista.  She is the fashion doyen and guru.

Fiona says: Being light featured, I intend to dye my mono this winter, just to give the upper bridge of my nose a bit more character.  I’m all about the conservation, too, so any extra heat generated from facial hair could be incorporated into solar paneling and water tankage.

You’ve heard it first at the GF, beyotches.   Grow those hairs, fertilize those follicles, and make sure you watch ‘Sex and the City 2′ with your head tilted upwards just a tad.  You don’t want your own brow to stop you getting ahead of the action.

Till next time.  May your brow be high and plentiful.  May pubic hairs always grow at your back…

Welcome to a new series of posts based on totally chic and current fashion knowledge from the creator of Fangal Singin’ Da House Bloos (title to be used during Gnarly Fashionista entries and comments).

I am the Gnarly Fashionista.

It’s often suggested that people who blog magic themselves into specialists at the drop of a make-believe qualification.  Some bloggers lie.  They deceive about levels of experience, expertise and/or interest about certain topics!  So without further ado (or adon’t), I’ve prepared the GF’s modified Curriculum Vitae in order to set your mind at ease, and allow you to understand that by reading these posts and consuming the fashion knowledge here, you are in capable, leather and leopard skin gloved hands.

Introducing: The Gnarly Fashionista —

• Female, 40-something, spectacular hair, own teeth, enjoys the application of false eyelashes and getting eyebrows plucked by others.  Dons stilettos for all occasions, smokes quietly chamomile cigarettes, eats soup with chopsticks, drinks wine from cafe-style glasses, says NO to 80s stiffened hair product. Doesn’t believe in skivvys, spencers, singlets, and embraces a thong around both the toes and in betwixt the buttocks (because being a ‘global citizen’ is important).

• Always dresses to the nines.  Shuns parachute silk tracksuits, runners, walkers, sneakers, cardies, and snugglies on the couch in winter.  Embraces pashminas and saris.  Salutes all types of fabrics, A-lines, tulle and poplin.

• The Gnarly Fashionista graduated summa cum laude from the Gingham University of Fabricana, Decor and  Haote- Couture in 2009, after a decade of extensive study and creativity.  She jets between Australia, Asia, UAE and Europe, procuring fashion for her own wardrobe and looking down her realigned nose in judgment of others.

As you can see, the GF holds extremely high credentials and has a range of experience for expert commentary on today’s fashion.  However, as with all contentious, personal issues, the opinions contained within this section of Fangal Singin’ Da House Bloos are The Gnarly Fashionista’s own. If you don’t agree with them, then you’re either terribly ill-informed, have no taste, or simply gnarled.

gnarled is a term that is used to describe a person, or group of persons, who are fashionably dead.  These people cannot be saved.

Issue Number 1:  The Wearing of Toeless Shoes or Sandals with the Seamed Pantyhose.

Honestly, this is a no-brainer.  If you’re wearing sandals eva, you should either be at the beach, or in the local paraliturgy come Easter time, playing one of the shepherds.  Don’t wear them.  They’re so last 70s (like 1870s), they’re bad for your inner souls (keeping with the religious theme there) and they make you look as flat as a flop.

If you’re brave enough to purchase a pair of open-toed, heeled delights, then the GF professes wear those seamed pantyhose like you mean it, GIRL. Let’s face it.  The alternatives are to

• go bare-legged:  Just NO.  Look at your stubbly pores and cracked, spindly skin.  If that revolts YOU, imagine how it makes others feel!

• get a fake tan for your bare, spindly legs:  then prop yourself up next to a citrus tree, coz sista, there’s every chance your fellow revelers are gonna think you’re an orange.

• wear slacks:  If you call them slacks, then you have no business reading this groovy, trend-setting blog, dorklady!  Just get the frock outta here in your blouses and briefs.

Wear whatever pantyhose or tights you want to, and don’t worry if there are folks at the function who look downwards, spy a tiny hole in you shoe where a glimpse of pantyhose seam might be peeping through, and judge you for that.  It’s their issue.  If they have enough time and energy to be checking out people’s toes, then they’re not worthy of Gnarly Fashionista commentary.

The open-toed shoe and the seamed pantyhose are made for each other.  Like black and navy, cheese and mucus, hummus and lamb, footy and hooligans.  It’s a match made in Gnarly Fashionista heaven, and I have support from the commonalities (people who have been pre-approved to pass comment on fashion issues as they see fit):

Allison says: Due to Gnarly Fashionista’s expertise, I defer to her judgement on this one.  Go the seam visible in the open-toed shoe!

Fiona says: I agree with the Gnarly One.  Open-toed shoes are made for the seamed pantyhose.

Gayle says: Whatever the Gnarly Fashionista says goes, in my opinion.

So there we have it!  First fashion issue confronted and solved with ease.  If you’d like to offer any fashion questions for The Gnarly Fashionista’s consideration, OR be heard upon an issue (like Allison, Fiona and Gayle) please contact me at fangirlsingstheblues@gmail.com.

Until next time — may your hose rise up from the open toe to greet you, and may an elasticized waist be at your back …