The Blues

The Modern Bride’s Handbook – The final 14

What is the biggest fear of someone who has to speak in front of a crowd?  Is it the threat of stumbling and bumbling over the words?  Is it the worry that — during the course of moving to the place of oration — that the speaker will trip over an imaginary dishwasher door and fall flat on his/her face?  Is it the dread of the limelight, where hecklers and mockery and mean people might throw rotten tomatoes or old boxes of ex-McDonalds’ Happy Meals?

Or is it something more basic?  A concern about a wardrobe malfunction, a hideous faux pas about politics, religion, business, a previous war?  Is it phlegmphobia, where the paranoid, frightened speaker worries about the expulsion of spittle and spattle cross a crowded room of dental hygienists and/or germaphobes without Dettol Wipes?

Maybe it’s a combination of all things, but my greatest fear is a little more complex.  Sometimes, when I’ve had to deliver a serious address, I have worried that I have some form of undiagnosed physical and vocal tics, which will be triggered by the nerves associated with public speaking.  Thus, quite sanely, I believe I might be in the middle of discussing information/presenting a document/proposing a toast/telling a story, when I will (haphazardly) break out in tics, spittle and obscenities that make little sense, but sound so disgusting, I will be dragged away from the function before dessert.

Some people hate speaking in public with a passion bordering on phobic.  It can be terrifying, spoil an entire six months building up to the event, be cause for nightmares and stiff drinks (or drinking stiffs) and sleepless nights.

With practise, many can overcome this fear.  There are many suggested strategies for making the task of public speaking easier, from imagining your audience in the nude, to rote learning the entire speech/dialogue, to admitting to an audience that ‘I’m nervous!’  The latter idea, I think, is to get people on your side — to appeal to their nicer nature, so that if you shake and collapse and basically CANNOT SPEAK, everyone will understand, because hey, you’re nervous!

In a previous life, I used to speak to groups quite a bit.  When you’re in a teaching job, you become very used to speaking to gangs of thirty teenagers (half hate your guts, a quarter don’t want to be there, and the other quarter are too interested in the latest picture of Robert Pattison) so they don’t listen anyway.  Sometimes you talk to your colleagues (100% want to be doing their work, going home, writing reports, preparing for the next day) or perhaps to a gymnasium-packed assembly with a combo of kids and other teachers (most people have passed out due to the sporty smells).  Generally, you speak but little is heard.

Throughout the years, my deepest fear is that I have this never-seen, never-heard form of silent Tourette’s.  This has never really eventuated but it’s something I often ponder in the lead up to a function in which I may have to ‘say something’.  Perhaps it’s my way of covering all bases if I stuff everything up?  So people will say ‘oh, it wasn’t Rosie’s fault that she swore at the bride with a list of obscenities (that ran for 5 minutes) because she has that hidden vocal tic problem.’ Or ‘yeah, it was awkward when Rosie abused the groom and his parents in the middle of welcoming everyone to the venue, but give her a break.  She’s really lovely, and it’s just her nervous, shocking, just-diagnosed syndrome’.

Everything is a syndrome.  Is it wrong to worry that I have one (a hidden syndrome) in the weeks approaching public speaking?

No, not wrong. Nor is it strange or paranoid.  It seems entirely rational to me

So in the role of MC at Bridezilla’s wedding, there’s a slim chance that my yet-to-be-diagnosed foibles hit the surface, and in between telling the bride how gorgeous she is and announcing that the ‘cake will now be cut’, I shall throw in a few *^$#@@!s and *&%$^.  For good measure, I’ll tell the parents of Bridezilla and Groomenstein that they are &^$#@!@ and that their &^$#@! kids are also $#@%^*&s!

All in all, I think it will be a wonderful day.  Apparently, the main function of the MC is to be an organized and personal facilitator, but to be honest, that’s kinda boring!  Sure, it’s the bride and groom’s day, but there’s always room for grandstanding and colour.

Hopefully, the language won’t be blue!

Random Reads

• March 22, 2011 -- Funky & Chicken Vs Apple Inc
• November 6, 2010 -- The Flying Kangaroo Bunny Hops to 90
• January 4, 2011 -- Knowing Me, Knowing You (Ah-haaaaa)
• April 2, 2010 -- (not so) Good Friday
• April 20, 2010 -- The Modern Bride’s Handbook – The Hen’s Night Edition.