There are forty days — that’s right! Four Zero — until Christmas 2010.
Fifteen days left of November, then the Advent calendar, packed full of plastic, scaly, re-hardened, cheap chocolates, will deck our halls and be opened for twenty-five mornings unto the Day of Days.
Tinsel is in the (h)air, carols are being piped through shopping plazas all over the cosmos. Trees are being grown, potential gifts are being eyed, gardens are being prepped, decorations are being sorted out. Smiles grow wider at the thought, adrenalin runs through bodies, threatening to lift Christmas spirits higher than a rock-star’s post-concert score.
Lists are being considered, in-store Santas are getting stuffed (hopefully, not literally. Just eww) butchers are sharpening their cleavers (and wetting their cleavage, it’s hot down here) getting ready for the One Day in December.
Like many of you, I have a history with Christmas time. Laughter, cheer, eats, drinks, wrapping paper, excessive shiny things and sugar and familial interactions and expectations and traditions and time spent worrying and rules and regulations and …
Just Christmas!
Fangirl Sings the Blues is going to use the next 40 days to roast Christmas. Not the meat. Nor the people — like your favourite wanker with the new red mercedes, or your great Uncle Grump who thinks all the food will be stale coz you bought it at the mid-year sale and it was already past the use-by date then — although there may be instances where the people may need a roasting, depending on their pre-Christmas behaviour.
Last year, I wrote ‘The Britch Goes Christmas Shopping’ about a Melbourne woman I know who detests this event, how the idea of December turns her into a bitch, a cow, a mother cutter. A hater. That woman is me, and like Ellen, it’s time to come out.
I. Hate. Christmas.
It’s in writing. There are fullstops between each word to emphasize not only my bad grammar, but how definite the words are in cyberspace. Would I ever let my children know that I hate this time of year? Nope. Do my family know? Yep, but doesn’t stop me rocking up on the day (or opening up this place) and having a couple of drinks and forgetting it’s Christmas. Which means that the proof is in the pudding. It’s the pre-gala BS that gets up my cracker and pops out when pulled, exposing a small, crappy, plastic item that could fit in the eye of a needle that should prick the angel atop the tree.
Hmm. Too blunt? Not the needle, but my words? If so, I apologize to the Lover of the Season and ask them to look away from posts titled ‘The Britch Returns’ between now and the end of December. It’s not my intention to dampen anyone’s pine needle or burst their rumball, it’s simply time to rant about the finer things of this freakoid festival that really get up my nostril, tickle my nose hairs and give me the britchs.
My dislike doesn’t relate to the religious significance of the day. It never has. Even Jesus needs a birthday, but this year we’re calling it Footsmas, 2010 — not to take the ‘Christ’ out of Christmas, just to remind all family members where lunch is going to be held, in the Melbourne suburb of Footsenburg.
I often wonder what other people think of Christmas. It’s something I discuss with people, and generally — wonderfully — most seem to love the time, embrace the day, celebrate the traditions. That’s lovely. All positive, tinsely, shiny, gleaming, abundant. Good on you! And, just, stuff you! Nothing will be sacred here, this britch will be back to lampoon present giving, shoppers, the organized, the disorganized, the minimalist, food and drinks, platitudes, commercialism … and more.
Only joking!
There won’t just be lampooning. There will be ranting! (Christmas) drivers … start your engines.
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15 Responses to The Britch Returns
back l8r, but LOL at the gif, bb *slaps* *dies laughing*
Are you going to slap me about my attitude to Footsmas, bb?
Rosie recently posted..The Flying Kangaroo Bunny Hops to 90
Standing room only beyotch
OMFG! It’s going to be so squished, your MIL might end up sitting in the gutter, ffs.
BTW. Are you a fan of Christmas? all I wanna say to you is Mele Kilikimaka is the thing to say …
Rosie recently posted..I confess to almighty God …
LOL, that was always your fave. Maybe a Hawaiian Christmas Day IS the thing to do this year… it would def mean a saving in terms of room & coin at Footsmas. Altho, who would bring the meat.?
We are having Footsmas abroad one year … oh, that’s right, your place is a broad, innit?
Cripes, only 40 days to go?? OMG. I have sooooo much left to do! *shudders* While I’m one of those who love Christmas itself, the eating of lots of yummy stuff and the drinking more wine than is probably advisable… it’s the pre-Christmas running around like a lunatic part that I hate. *g*
x
Yes in a nutshell, darl. You’ve put it very well, it’s the rushing … however, the hating on Christmas makes for ace blog fodder, *g*.
Rosie recently posted..Cup Day
Groan. Christmas is great -- it’s the pre-Christmas build-up I could do without. It’s the questions from grandparents about what to buy the grandkiddies (can’t they come up with a quality choice all of their own??) and the extreme level of organisation required to make sure it all runs smoothly and no one is left out or feels hard-done-by.So -- are we having a pre-Christmas bash darls? I think we have a couple of free Mondays!
Hey there gorjy. Hope Sat went well and the place is still iDecluttered by the iTrailer.I know to all those questions re gifts and organization. Is it at your place this year? When are you free, we have a window of social time on Decembre 11, 12.30-12.45, 2012Pencil us in? big hugs for you and your clan.
Rosie recently posted..Halloween for Hicks
I hate Christmas too, Rosie! But probably for different reasons than you. One: I’m Jewish so celebrating it kind of sticks in my craw, because y’know Jesus is not my savior and all that jazz. We do do Chanukka, but we’re not gift givers, we just make latkas once during the fest, because damn those things are unhealthy. Anyway, when the actual day of the Christ babies so called birth, we go to the movies, and then get Asian food, because a large populous of the Asian community are also heathens like us, but not Hebrew… poor them. Wait! Two: I don’t like it because people are freakin’ obsessed with it!! And my poor feeble brain cannot wrap its limp arms around it, y’know… because it’s feeble? I don’t get the commotion, it’s a day, and it’s not even Jesus’ (dude, his name’s not even Jesus for reals) real birthday! Also, from where I sit it’s all about spending money, and over blown expectations, and then there’s the guy in the red suit! When I was a kid I felt so put out by the whole Christmas thing, because we just didn’t do it in my house, but I had to at school(yeah, where was that pesky separation of church and state thing anyway?!), they’d make us sing holiday songs… and if you haven’t noticed, most “holiday songs” are not about Chanukka… granted they’re not exclusively about the worship of the baby born in a barn with a donkey for a midwife, but they are about that holiday. I remember making a fuss about it to teachers and classmates that the song roster wasn’t even enough, and a few years later my then best friend told me that that really annoyed her, because from her POV it just wasn’t important… granted she was also raised roman catholic, so yeah…. it really was pointless to her, because for shame that I have a differing belief system from her, and y’know make it known. Anyway, am I done yet…? Probably not, but I’ll stop now.
And then there’s the guy in the red suit!
I say, skip the damn roast, be one with the actual season, as in stop pretending that eating wintery food is a good idea, and have summer foods! Mmm, anti pasti platter, turkey sandwiches… damn it have a barbeue! If it’s hot enough out to fry and egg on the sidewalk, don’t turn the oven on in the house… seriously why torture your selves? Don’t say it’s tradition, you can always start a new one!
Yes to starting new traditions! Just some people are very set in their ways, so we do a little bit at a time.
Rosie recently posted..Coming Soon- The iPartner 2011
[...] worry. The Britch of Christmas past will be back soon, complaining, whinging, writing as a feral Scrooge on menopausal [...]