Welcome to a new series of posts based on totally chic and current fashion knowledge from the creator of Fangal Singin’ Da House Bloos (title to be used during Gnarly Fashionista entries and comments).
I am the Gnarly Fashionista.
It’s often suggested that people who blog magic themselves into specialists at the drop of a make-believe qualification. Some bloggers lie. They deceive about levels of experience, expertise and/or interest about certain topics! So without further ado (or adon’t), I’ve prepared the GF’s modified Curriculum Vitae in order to set your mind at ease, and allow you to understand that by reading these posts and consuming the fashion knowledge here, you are in capable, leather and leopard skin gloved hands.
Introducing: The Gnarly Fashionista —
• Female, 40-something, spectacular hair, own teeth, enjoys the application of false eyelashes and getting eyebrows plucked by others. Dons stilettos for all occasions, smokes quietly chamomile cigarettes, eats soup with chopsticks, drinks wine from cafe-style glasses, says NO to 80s stiffened hair product. Doesn’t believe in skivvys, spencers, singlets, and embraces a thong around both the toes and in betwixt the buttocks (because being a ‘global citizen’ is important).
• Always dresses to the nines. Shuns parachute silk tracksuits, runners, walkers, sneakers, cardies, and snugglies on the couch in winter. Embraces pashminas and saris. Salutes all types of fabrics, A-lines, tulle and poplin.
• The Gnarly Fashionista graduated summa cum laude from the Gingham University of Fabricana, Decor and Haote- Couture in 2009, after a decade of extensive study and creativity. She jets between Australia, Asia, UAE and Europe, procuring fashion for her own wardrobe and looking down her realigned nose in judgment of others.
As you can see, the GF holds extremely high credentials and has a range of experience for expert commentary on today’s fashion. However, as with all contentious, personal issues, the opinions contained within this section of Fangal Singin’ Da House Bloos are The Gnarly Fashionista’s own. If you don’t agree with them, then you’re either terribly ill-informed, have no taste, or simply gnarled.
gnarled is a term that is used to describe a person, or group of persons, who are fashionably dead. These people cannot be saved.
Honestly, this is a no-brainer. If you’re wearing sandals eva, you should either be at the beach, or in the local paraliturgy come Easter time, playing one of the shepherds. Don’t wear them. They’re so last 70s (like 1870s), they’re bad for your inner souls (keeping with the religious theme there) and they make you look as flat as a flop.
If you’re brave enough to purchase a pair of open-toed, heeled delights, then the GF professes wear those seamed pantyhose like you mean it, GIRL. Let’s face it. The alternatives are to
• go bare-legged: Just NO. Look at your stubbly pores and cracked, spindly skin. If that revolts YOU, imagine how it makes others feel!
• get a fake tan for your bare, spindly legs: then prop yourself up next to a citrus tree, coz sista, there’s every chance your fellow revelers are gonna think you’re an orange.
• wear slacks: If you call them slacks, then you have no business reading this groovy, trend-setting blog, dorklady! Just get the frock outta here in your blouses and briefs.
Wear whatever pantyhose or tights you want to, and don’t worry if there are folks at the function who look downwards, spy a tiny hole in you shoe where a glimpse of pantyhose seam might be peeping through, and judge you for that. It’s their issue. If they have enough time and energy to be checking out people’s toes, then they’re not worthy of Gnarly Fashionista commentary.
The open-toed shoe and the seamed pantyhose are made for each other. Like black and navy, cheese and mucus, hummus and lamb, footy and hooligans. It’s a match made in Gnarly Fashionista heaven, and I have support from the commonalities (people who have been pre-approved to pass comment on fashion issues as they see fit):
Allison says: Due to Gnarly Fashionista’s expertise, I defer to her judgement on this one. Go the seam visible in the open-toed shoe!
Fiona says: I agree with the Gnarly One. Open-toed shoes are made for the seamed pantyhose.
Gayle says: Whatever the Gnarly Fashionista says goes, in my opinion.
So there we have it! First fashion issue confronted and solved with ease. If you’d like to offer any fashion questions for The Gnarly Fashionista’s consideration, OR be heard upon an issue (like Allison, Fiona and Gayle) please contact me at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Until next time — may your hose rise up from the open toe to greet you, and may an elasticized waist be at your back …