The Blues

The Modern Bride’s Handbook – Biggles the Bunion Edition

On April 7, 2010, in Uncategorized, by Rosie

Last post, it was revealed that the Mother of Bridezilla (now known as MOBster) was carrying a deformity that was preventing her from choosing a suitable MOBster shoe. Instead of selecting a high-heeled, deportment-enhancing zinger , Cass (of Henley & Cass fame) may have to opt for a square-toed court. A loafer. Even something like a Husssshhhhh Puppy.

Cass was outed as owning a bunion upon her MOBster foot. It surprised some that such a magnificent woman would possess such a travesty of extra bone and tissue on her foot; but she does, and on behalf of Bridezilla, Groomenstein and the entire wedding party, I am here to beseech that she either (a) gets it surgically removed, or (b) fly a copy of a stylish shoe into The New Inventors and hire them to make an attractive compartment in the bunion-section of the shoe.

Now option A is problematic. Recovery from the removal of ‘Biggles’ can take up to 6 weeks, and considering Cass’s age and the impending date of her MOBster status, surgery is not recommended.

Therefore, the trendy, high-heeled shoe that’s going to allow Cass to wow the crowds, tapulet across the dance floor to some grooveh song from Cat Stevens and/or tower over Henley so they look like a Cruise/Kidman scenario, will have to be altered to accommodate Biggles.

Before this section of the handbook makes suitable suggestions for how that can occur, please be aware that Biggles has been named with fondness and by considering his particular Bunionese personality. Someone said to me recently ‘you cannot call a bunion Biggles! Bunions don’t have names!’

Um? Where in the Bunion Bible does it say that ‘thou shalt not individualize a bunion nor name it after a fictional airman?’

If anyone has the particular book, chapter and verse on hand (not foot!) please let me know. Perhaps it’s in the Book of Chiropody, Chapter Toe, Verse Digit 6?

‘Biggles’ really suits Cass’s bunion. He’s closeted, although when he comes out from the sock, he’s bulging and big. He loves fresh air and would wear goggles if they fit inside any of Cass’s shoes (more on that later, when we discuss the solution to accommodate Biggles within the high-heeled shoe cavity).

And Cass has learned to love Biggles and house him as her own. It’s only during times like this — of life changing stress and the role of MOBster — that Cass wishes he would fly away.

Tis a pity there isn’t a boarding kennel or cattery for bunion friends, where Cass could leave Biggles for the weekend while she fulfills her MOBster duties in the superior statue that heels provide. Or perhaps a ‘bunion sitter’, recruited specifically for times when you want to remove your Hallix Valgus mate, leave him at home eating popcorn with a responsible sitter of bunions. I mean, Cass could leave her mobile phone number with the bunion sitter! She’s not that irresponsible.

‘It’s time to get rid of the little bastard, Cass!’ I imagine some of you are crying, but it’s too late. It’s impossible for MOBster to be completely comfortable in the stiletto heel with Biggles still on board.

It’s time to strategize. I’m proposing a form of bunion bra based on the concept of maternity bra, but with a single cup (like a cyclops) and a strap that will weave comfortably under the foot as it slides into the shoe. As the foot is catapulted into the most unnatural position possible (ie: that of a massive high heel) the bunion bra will cup!

And that’s the advantage! Unlike the tried and true bunion brace, the bunion bra supports while you bounce, creates a cleavage between the foot and Biggles, and gives you confidence when you bend over in your shoe. It lacks the wadding, bulky strap of the bunion brace, instead using an opaque piece of silk to hold it in place.

This does nothing to help with the pointed toe element, does it? The fact that Biggles will be compressed — jammed into the cockpit — if the shoe is too narrow at the front. Hmm. This is where The New Inventors are desperately required. Maybe they can configure a ‘leather cup’ to work with the bunion bra and allow Cass to slip the floor fantastic. Or is that slip the light fandango? Or slap the fandango lightly?

Whatevs!

It is the findings of the Modern Bride’s Handbook that Biggles needs to be removed ASAP. And if it’s not done by tomorrow, I’ll be writing a DIY pamphlet for the job.