The Blues

Aunt Dowager de la Hump decided to attend the hen’s night of young Bridezilla, if only to peruse the scene and keep abreast of what young people involved themselves in these days.

She found comfort in the fact that her sisters, MOBster (of Henley & Cass infamy) and Margot-Kidder Mary (the sibling who possesses the role of Wedding Coordinator) were attending.

♥ On a side note, Margot-Kidder Mary has turned into something of a domineering WC (not water closet, although she’s often flushed with the stress of managing Bridezilla).   She needs a blog edition of her own very shortly.

Back to the nest. Bridezila’s own sisters (Loo-loo and Tran) had organized a beautiful city apartment for the function, and the main room overlooked the waterfront of the town and its afternoon skyline.  Being one of the first to arrive, Aunt Dowager met Margot-Kidder Mary outside the venue and they proceeded into the apartment to be greeted by Cass.  Aunt Dowager finally felt safe!  If she’d felt awkward about being the eldest, most crotchety chook there, her fears were allayed.  She had Margot-Kidder Mary and Cass to deflect the aged and crotchety concepts away from her own person.

♥ The female member of The Carpet Whisperers, Chicken, 78, had been invited to the Hen’s night.  (Obviously, given her foul name and the fact she lays eggs when anyone steps on the new carpet).  She declined the invite, telling Aunt Dowager and Margot-Kidder Mary that ‘it would be inappropriate for me to be there,’ and ‘I don’t want to sit up there like the queen mother!’  Um … no one liked to mention that the queen mum is not doing a whole lot of sitting atm.

Anyway, lets flap back to the roost. Cass, Aunt Dowager and Margot-Kidder Mary got comfortable, and it wasn’t long before Bridezilla and her party of about 30 henettes flew up to the coop from their general meeting place below.  Loo-Loo and Tran had everything so beautifully arranged that Aunt Dowager Hump couldn’t help but be impressed.  Perhaps there was really no need to be concerned about the sensual and mystical education of young women in her niece_edge, she thought.  They seemed so mature.  So sanguine and organized, and the afternoon progressed to evening without Aunt Dowager clucking her tongue once.

Loo-Loo and Tran had arranged a catering service, with a youthful waiter in tow, to provide every (non physical) need.  Loo-Loo had requested a hot waiter, and although he was quite sweaty of brow and dapper of personality, once could see that he was in the University computer club in between his accounting and oboe classes.

Unfortunately, someone must have told Bridezilla, Loo-Loo, Tran and Cass that Aunt Dowager didn’t enjoy Hen’s nights nor the games that accompanied them. She wasn’t sure how her relatives had heard that, so once the Hen’s games commenced, Auntie Hump was determined to paint a smile on her thin lips (so that her lipstick adhered to the rivulets of wrinkles on her upper frond) and enjoy each and every lewd activity.

She freely partook.  The Bridal Quiz, the Ex-Boyfriend Cleansing Ritual, the Poem to Bridezilla and Groomenstein (which her group won because Aunt Dowager ignored every single suggestion from the lips of Margot-Kidder Mary!)  It was all jolly good fun, and Aunt Dowager embraced the entire frivolity.  Truthfully?  She could have done without the elongated cucumber passing game, because the pressure on her hips was such she almost ended up with a salad vegetable in her dressing.

The night wore on.  Suddenly, one of Bridezilla’s more brazen hens spread word of the imminent arrival of an exotic dancer!  Although Aunt Dowager was warned to leave, with Cass and Margot-Kidder Mary closely behind, there was something about the idea that titillated Auntie Hump’s curiosity.  She felt her own Dowager’s hump enlarge and press against her chest.  She thrust it forward (her hump, not her chest) and bravely suggested to her sisters that they stay.

Margot-Kidder Mary was not leaving!  Who was anyone kidding, FFS.  Cass was a little more reserved.  She doubted she’d be able to flee the scene quickly once the entertainment started, given the terrible strain of sprinting on Biggles the Bunion.  Ultimately, the trio of perverts sisters stayed, giving in to the Dowager’s interest in all things young, happening and nude.

The exotic dancer arrived in a glimmer of LARGE reflective sunglasses, with a HUGE baton, a MASSIVE torch, and a GINORMOUS jacket proclaiming FBI (aka Female Body Investigator). Immediately Aunt Dowager wondered how such a tiny wisp of a bloke could carry and/or wear all of these humungous things.  Quite seriously, she was worried!  Exotic Dancer, Stri, was the size of a 10-year old!  Granted, he was almost as wide as he was high, but honestly if Bridezilla had been an inch taller, Stri would have reached her navel if he’d been lucky.  (he really should have had a seaman costume for the navel theme alone…and other themes…)

♥ Stri was the name given to the talented exotic dancer because he wasn’t tall enough to be a stripper. He was stri, a mini-me stripper.

Well, did Stri galavant!  He really, really did.  Pity he couldn’t see Bridezilla’s face due to spending most of his time around her kneecaps with pupils the size of pinpricks.  But that’s okay.  What he lacked in height, he made up for in stamina and enthusiasm.  Loo-Loo wondered aloud about him bringing ‘so many towels’ because Stri kept hurling them about the place, trying to ensure that his men-o-falia was covered at all times.

And it was. Aunt Dowager was relieved to see only part of a buttock, lots of back and legs, and a tiny piece of exotic dancer humility.  Nope, she saw none of the latter.  What Stri lacked in height, he made up for in self esteem too!

During a final fling around the room, Stri found Cass, MOBster, and asked her up for an exotic movement of her hips in time with his towelled ones.  Cass was pulled from her chair, crying out, and ushered to the middle of the floor.  Stri tried to push ol’ Cass’s feet apart by prodding her inner feet with his, but when Cass wouldn’t abide, Stri picked her up from the floor, held her aloft for a second, then twirled her around with apparent glee.

Aunt Dowager and Margot-Kidder Mary nearly died from LOL arrest, but poor Cass was breathless and quite overwhelmed when she was flung downwards.  Worst of all, Cass landed on the outside of her foot.  Looks like Biggles will be back to the Bunion Union of Onion, complaining of bad treatment during exotic dancing.

So if selecting an exotic dancer for the modern bride, please:

• choose someone who is aware of Bunion Rights Union

• take into consideration height of Bridezilla:height of Strippy.  Generally, Strippy should (at least) reach Bridezilla’s neck.

• try to buy shares in an exotic dancer’s local towel emporium or laundromat

• accept that someone prancing about with most of his clothes off is not going to be the most humble, respectful type o’ guy

• encourage MOBsters everywhere to wear new, modest undies for the hen’s night, lest they be thrown into the air and twirled with abandon

• Finally, if you’re an elderly aunt, look away.  Then again, if research is your game …

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