The Modern Bride’s Handbook to Intimacy Etiquette 4

Just sometimes, Bridezilla is simply the icing on the Wedding High Maintenance cake.

On a good day, she can possibly focus upon other things, such as procuring oddments for her glory box, pampering her facial pores to prevent wedding day blemishes or buttressing her cleavage so her frock sits flatteringly over her bust.  However, there may be other elements — human factors in Bridezilla’s life — that are so demanding, the WEDDING is front and centre at all times.

In Sheila’s life, these humanoid High Mainties are known as Henley and Cass.

Cass would prefer to be known as Cassandra, Mother of the Broide.  In familial circles, she will answer to the name Cass, but only if she’s had a tipple of champagne and feeling as loose as a bride’s nightie.  Then, and only then, will she discuss subjects NOT pertaining to her role as Mother of the Bride.

MOB is in her middle 50s and inexperienced at holding court as Wedding Mum, hence her High Mainty status.  She’s excited, perhaps a little nervous?  She’s flighty, but MY GOD, if you dare to question her preoccupation with all things MOB frock, she will slap your face with a groom-caught slapper fish!

It’s all about the outfit, thanks very much for asking.

The Modern Bride’s Handbook seeks to provide support to MOB, Cass and FOB, Henley, in the form of mocking them, but is ultimately being written for the benefit of Bridezilla!  Surely she has enough to concern herself with than worrying about Cass, Henley and their issues?  Bridezilla has to think ahead, of her bridal boudoir and how she will put her upper body boxing training into practise as she confronts the passage to womanhood.

But more on that later.

Cass is in the process of finalizing her shimmering ensemble for MOB and she’s heading towards a Harry Who tizz.  Too long, too casual, too muttony, too plain, too clingy, not clingy enough, not suitable, too busty, not enough boobage showing … the problems are endless!  On top of this, she has Henley to oversee as he prepares to purchase a new suit for the first time in 30 years.

Henley could wear his old one.  Yet the flairage of the pants, combined with the tightness across the what-have-yous, is more appropriate for a moustached porn star from the 1970s than the FOB.  Yes, Henley has lost his mo, but to wear this all-embracing suit from last century again would push his bushel out from where it has been hidden.

Perhaps with dire consequences!

You see, Henley has a secret.  He is a mature man with an understated sensuality.  In his youth, the charisma of the lad exuded for all to see, creating mass hysteria among females and males of all ages.  Once he became settled, Henley decided to retract his bludgeoning bushel and maintain a certain nerdy demeanor.  He retired the suit and suave.  It’s not fitting that he open that particular can of worm for the wedding of his Bridezilla daugter.

He needs to be wonderfully attired.  It’s all he and Cass appear willing to discuss ATM.

And then there is the topic of shoes. It’s rather important to Cass that she don a high heel for such an occasion.  The MOB must be seen to tap-tap in high style along the promenade, rather than thud, thud, thump.  Yet there is a matter of EMERGENCY podiatry to consider for Cass.  She is of the bunion.

Now a bunion — like an onion — is a personal thing.  It can bring tears to the eyes, has several layers of skin and tastes disgusting when it’s raw.  Cass needs to select shoes that will accommodate her dainty deformity (nicknamed ‘Biggles’) so would usually opt for the square-toed court (aka, a loafer).

Regardless of the pain associated with Biggles, the Mother of the Bride NEVER, ever wears a loafer. Not unless she is going to the marriage celebration of a lazy baker, and even then a loafer wouldn’t be worth the dough and couldn’t allow the MOB to rise to the occasion.

Thus, it’s the job of a good handbook to suggest strategies for Bridezilla (the modern bride) to cope with Henley and Cass in a polite and intimate way:

• Start talking about grandchildren. What better way to get Henley and Cass thinking of something else apart from the big day and the clothing they are going to wear?  Promise them the world in the form of tiny powderpuffs of goo.  Assure them they won’t need to look after babies full time, but merely spoil and tease them, return them to their parents filled with red cordial and tim tams.  Chat about soon and how skilled they will be and how important their role within family.

• Discuss plans for your backyard. You know Cass thinks you couldn’t hit a cat with a baseball bat in your yard, so talk renovations, extensions, bigger living areas, great spots for them to come to BBQ, wonderful facilities for their future ‘granny flat’.  Thoughts of Biggles the Bunion will disappear as quickly as the nightmare of the flaccid loafer.

• PLAY DOWN the dress code of the in-laws. Henley and Cass don’t need to be reminded that Shorn’s parents are the best dressed people anywhere and that his mum owns more shoes than Imelda Marcos (with no bunion).  Tell a couple of white lies — Shorn’s parents have gained weight, grown out of their clothes, broken out in a rash, sprouted hairs on their chests, have dual bunions and warts all over.

• Hire a personal shopper. Let Henley and Cass stay home while the personal shopper brings a selection of 6 items each for them to try on in the comfort of their own loungeroom.  Please ensure the curtains are closed to prevent damage to neighbours.

• Refer Cass to a podiatrist. Doesn’t matter that the wedding is only just over a month away, get Biggles cut the fuck out.  Crutches and hobbling is really in vogue for the MOB.  It’s an ice-breaking topic other guests may use to get to know her — ‘gosh, what happened, Cass?’

‘I hurt myself at the Winter Olympics/running with Bulls in Papiloma (no, sorry, Pamplona)/doing MOB pilates/kicking intruders away from the bridal registry’.

• And finally, remind them that they are not Bridezilla and Groomenstein in 2010. They are the parents of the bride, and although very important, gorgeous and special, (Harry) who the hell will REALLY want to look at them?

TBC.

The Modern Bride’s Handbook:  Part 1, Part 2, Part 3.