The Blues

The Modern Bride’s Handbook to Intimacy Etiquette

On March 22, 2010, in Friends, Modern Bride's Handbook, by Rosie

Before we continue our foray, I need to clarify a few things:

• while the handbook deals primarily with intimacy etiquette, it’s appalling to note that a couple of readers have equated this only with Bridezilla’s bludgeoning sensuality and sexcapades! *shocked face*

• Intimacy deals with so many elements of bridal preparation, from the broide’s apparel (eg: choosing of garments to clothe the natural horticulture beneath the frock) to the selection of appropriate invitations (without the use of crude language or suggestive images). From the method of binding the Bridezilla bosom, to the correct way of vetting telegrams containing messages of poor taste.

• So many pieces of advice for Bridezilla, so little time for this matron aunt to guide her through the emerging prominence – eyes closed, breath held – and into the role of WIFE. It’s a journey we must make together.

• Bridezilla is fictitious; I was asked twice this week. However, even the nicest, most unassuming woman can turn into a feral monster when faced with upcoming con-nuptials (combination of a wedding and a prison term). Just saying — about a nice woman turing into an edifice-destroying monster, not about the prison sentence.

• Bridezilla is out there. YOU might know her!

Part 3: Pre-Wedding Dalliances and Facebook Pokeage.

You may be wondering about Parts 1 and 2? You might not care, but for posterity: Part 1: Bridezilla Cometh.

Part 2: Prenuptial Waxing and Waning (just makes it easier to print and collate the handbook as Bridezilla’s wedding gift – which is not on her posh ‘buy here only’ registry, but more on that later!)

It worries this matron that there’s a promiscuous emphasis on the ever-popular and utterly common ‘Hen’s night’ and ‘Buck’s night’. Even the TITLES of these themes can create lewd images in the mind of an elderly aunt. Buck’s night indicates that the male – the stag, with antlers primed and hooves erect – stalks about place jerking, prancing and vaulting. Good Lord. Wouldn’t this best be saved for the gym? Or, more practically, for mowing the frigging lawn?

And the hen? Who in hell decided to name a girl’s night of fun a hen’s night? As though we are not entirely aware that we have ova within our body, we also have an outing named after our ability to lay them eggs? Sit around and cluck? Get into a flap if a buck comes near us and tries to use his antler to tamper with our fair dozen? Or is it called a hen’s night because our breasts are considered edible, our thighs are great spread on the barbie and we know any effort to change the term is quite poultry? Erm, paltry. Excuse my foul spelling.

Sorry about the little rant, Bridezilla. I am ruffling my own feathers instead of yours today, dear.

Enough with the farmyard banter. Here’s the Handbook alternative. Instead of the bucks bamboozling all over town, touring titty bars and barring titty tours, we could organize a cyber alternative! Instead of hens wearing ‘I’m a Broide’ sashes and matching veil headdresses, going to watch attractive blokes doing the male form of pole dancing, and generally running amuck with their brood, they could gaggle online …

whoops, but then if they did that, it would be a gal’s geese night. Oh well, that idea can go and get flocked.

Back to the drawing board.

Cyberly, the Combined Pre-Nup Hormonal Unleashing (formerly known as the Buck’s and Hen’s nights) could be coordinated on Facebook. Bridezilla would set up a special profile, listing her event under ‘Sheila & Shorn’s Combined Pre-Nup Hormonal Unleashing’, and organize everyone to be online simultaneously. Those with webcams would be at an advantage. They may organize to meet other Hormone Unleashers on Skype, or conduct individual/conference calls with any parties they feel like getting to know more intimately.

They can use Facebook as the springboard for private MSN, or group dynamically charged messaging (the precursor to online swingsters?), with other members of the Combined Pre-Nup Hormonal Unleashing.

It’s all done via firewire, internet cabling, modem-as-mediator, broadband-as-barrier, privacy of own home, anonymity of your computer screen – until the girl or guy who fancies you, finds out your Internet Provider details and stalks you to your forest or coop (bucks and hens, remember?)

But Bridezilla doesn’t have to concern herself with this. She’s attempting to be the modicum of intimacy etiquette within the modern age. Via this idea, she doesn’t have to concern herself with her hens getting home, with the bucks drinking and driving, or how she gets home herself.

The only complication that may ensue is if Bridezilla over indulges – which is very unlike her – and falls flat upon her face. If she lays in drunken slumber, lips apart and unable to get off the keyboard, there’s a slight chance she may electrocute her pretty little self. The droplets of dribble may be enough to spark a shock to the system.

Or, at the very least, she may have the G and H key imprinted on her soon-to-be-married cheek. T’would be a shame to happen before the Big Day or marital night! There’s not a lot make up can hide when we are talking about embedding of features.

So! The ultimate test of a successful Combined Pre-Nup Hormonal Unleashing? Well, the invitee could possibly get lucky, and Bridezilla be known as the best hostess EVA. Her guest may party all night, come away with an increased Facebook fan following, and score the ultimate – a POKE courtesy of the first cyber hen’s night they’ve attended. Now that’s safer (and more hygienic, less slutty) than the real thing!

It’s not easy being a bride, but hopefully a handbook can help.