The Blues

The Modern Bride’s Handbook – Sporting Glory Edition

On April 23, 2010, in Uncategorized, by Rosie

Comes a time in every young man’s life where he needs to be sat down and spoken to regards the complexities of the woman in his world. If it was done more often, the universe would be a better place, and the majority of females wouldn’t feel undervalued, overcommitted, underdone, over_it. Hence, a letter of nextpectations:

Dear Groomsenstein,

Your father, in his role of male caregiver, has surely schooled you in the variables of modern sport. The tackles that are permitted, the penetrative pockets of the forward line, and the out-of-bounds areas in which no ball shall ever be placed/kicked/thrown/hit/jockeyed.

You’ve been through positioning, rules, code of conduct, strategies and accepted ‘plays’. You know of bounce-downs and balls-ups, drives and slam dunks, rally routes and the mystery of your club’s sweet spot. You must be well-equipped for the arena into which you are about to be plunged? Do you have your new jumper at the ready, striped socks pulled up, and a white-board of possible offensive moves plotted in your head?

It helps, dearest, to think of the wedding night as the ‘first game of the season.’

Even though you feel strong and primed, longing to unleash your fury on the ball and celebrate with your favourite teammate, consider this: your teammate might be proppy. She might have been around the block a few times with the physio or doctor, have inflammation in her old ball & socket joints, or have cartilage issues you’ve never even heard spoken about! She might even be struggling with the blood rule, darl. She may need to have time-out via the red card, in order to stem the flow of blood lest she infects the back pocket with some dreadful disease.

Or, she may simply have pre-match nerves.

When you start to discuss lay-ups and the latest stump you’ve discovered down under, please remember that she’s a more delicate team member than you. Sure, she’s not a weak sissy, but she needs a bit of a preliminary final before she can be bowled over and entered into a scrum. Show some heart, and know that each moment you deflect your own primal urge away to fine leg, it will be snapped up and scored upon when the play enters the Rose Bowl.

The Rose Bowl is an amazing analogy. It’s sensitive, grand, important, there for the taking/plucking/picking. It’s botanical and budding. It’s been seen (not Bridezilla’s Rose Bowl in particular, but the sport scenario) by millions of people around the globe every day, and it’s exciting. The Rose Bowl is very precious, and only the best player on the greatest team ever, ever gets to ‘play’ there.

Don’t be impatient, Groomenstein! The strategy and complex plays needed to breach the Rose Bowl (without breaking it) requires time. Time that you have after the pre-game entertainment.

Many coaches and sporting aficionados recommend NO alcohol before the game. Your Aunt-to-be believes otherwise. A small stubby or well-inhaled shot can be the relaxing rubdown needed, and it’s advisable to ensure Bridezilla has some visceral lubrication before she tackles the turf in her first game. Consider it a bit like a springboard of Deep Heat. As long as it’s nowhere near the Rose Bowl, it won’t harm anyone, and it’s a fantastic muscle relaxant prior to entering the ballpark.

It’s known that you’ve chosen a great course upon which to play, which relieves me no end! I was concerned that you and your teammate would be driving a long-play at the local golf club, or doing headers down at Hampton Park soccer oval. However, you’ve chosen wedding night accommodation equivalent to Augusta, with it’s tight bunkers and well-foliaged greens surrounding darkened holes. And I know you’ll be as gentle as a lamb come tee off time, which is better than being a big pussy of a tiger, for what it’s worth.

Which leads us to equipment and clothing chosen. Many professionals suggest that the grand final should always be played in team colours, and that’s true to a certain extent. Considering that you will be scoring touchdowns with your favourite teammate, it’s advisable to wear something different. How else will you be able to tell who should be holding the ball, who should be batting it away, who should be in the goal mouth, who should be working the puck, who should be licking the opposition, who should be finding the alley-oop? It’s all way too confusing. Best to wear something breathable, transparent and loose, so the focus can be upon the ball and the goal opening!

A warm-up is important. It’s vital that no one peaks too early (although that is allowed in the visual sense of the word) and that fluid levels are kept up prior to any pounding sprint that may ensue. There’s no need to go clap-trap in the first couple of minutes! You’ll find that lactic acid will accumulate and you’ll just feel flat. Flaccid, even. A gradual intake of oxygen is recommended. The old adage ‘go hard or go home’ is best left to younger players hoping to bowl maidens over with the hideous dexterity of a leg spinner from yonder years.

Take heed, Groomenstein, that during the culmination of all the preliminaries and build up — when you finally sink the 8 ball in the pocket without deflecting off the white — there is a propensity of the newly wedded team member to applaud. DON’T! No one wants to have anything to do with clap (ping) on the wedding night, and there will be a chance to view match highlights and even a double header later on. Try to relax and enjoy the endorphins associated with the warm down.

There is a cooling off period post grand final. However, this is generally combined with a running commentary of talk with your favourite teammate about anything but sport. You’ve just completed the Rose Bowl. The only place to go now, darling, is back to the stands with the hope of visiting the Bowl again each year.

I hope this has been helpful, dear Groomenstein. Any questions you have can be addressed in the next coach’s postmortem.

*hands you the premiership flag*

Love, Your Aunt Dowager Hump.