The Blues

Introducing fictional TV show Sapphire’s head publicist, Volare Putkin.  She has been requested by her employer, Splenic Studios, to interview Rosie Jones about the release of her new book, ZOMG!  The Northern Fangirls.  Here is an excerpt of the tête-à-tête, but it is accompanied by two warnings:  King Pin of the Sapphire Scripting Team crashed the interview and believes it is really about him, and proceedings don’t start well.

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Volare: All of this tedious interview who-ha is absolutely beneath me, but when some of my colleagues at Splenic Studios (where Sapphire is filmed) suggested I do some charitable works during season 1 hiatus, I chose this.  It was either adopt a pod of dolphins and sponsor every mile they swim, cut off ten strands of my hair and send it to weave a ‘ho-hair duvet for the needy in cold countries’ OR interview an Australian author.  So here I am.

King Pin of the Scripting Team: Ya nooooo I’m ‘ere too, Puss.  Whenever there be an interview with writing lassies, I’m here. ‘Though I dooner nooo whether ye can call yeself a real writer if ye be self-published.  Oh, and an Aussie to boot.  Dooner know if ye be welcome in our writing team, wee one, but here we are.  Interviewing me, with your input for some reason!

Rosie Jones: Thanks so much for the warm welcome, Volare and King Pin.  It’s lovely to be here.

Volare: Well it is your pathetically small blog, and this interview contributes to my yearly tally of points for ‘being the better me.’  Firstly, I need to say that you could do with a publicist yourself, Ms Jones.  Um, I’m just looking at the back cover photo of your face and I’ve gotta say the egads! hit the gonads there!  Do you even brush your hair?

RJ: Not as a rule.

King Pin: I dooner have to.  I have a hair piece- 2009 gelatine edition.  I like to put it on tho bed post, don’ I, puss?

Volare: (ignoring him) Rosie, if you took some time and actually paid attention to your dermis and bush of hair on head, you would have an acceptable back cover picture.  I can help you with this, sweetie.  I think it might contribute to my ‘better me’ points bonus.  And having the book cover hide your face?  If you’re embarrassed about your aging looks, I have a fabulous boxotologist, Ernie.  He could work wonders.

King Pin: I have no bin to Ernie.  He’d try to mojo my writing skills.  Blunt my pen, yooo nooo?

RJ: (ignores him)  Thanks Volare, but the pics of me on the cover serve a couple of purposes.  They are a bit ‘fun’ – I thought so anyway, and they show the cover of the book previous in the series.  Just a bit of a gimmick.

Volare: (tutters) Well, this ‘gimmick’, you say?  It’s not helping the popularity of the books, none.

King Pin: Oh, puss.  Tat’s too harsh, lass.  Rose-bud is tryin’.  She’s just a bit pat’etic!  Noooo, if it twas me, I’d screw me way to the top.  It’s easy done, Rose-bud.  Jus’ find a blind agent and suggest a bit of ‘porkin’ for publicity!’

RJ: It’s not my style.  I’d like to talk about the characters and the story rather than offer sexual favours to someone with visual disabilities to promote the books.

Volare: (sighs)  Pffft.  Ignore Pookeh.  He’s been in the industry too long and thinks everything revolves around favours. Whereas I know everything revolves around me. I’d like to help you promote your book, but you need a makeover, sweetheart.  Until you do something about that hair, those facial skin imperfections, I don’t know how to take you that one step further.

RJ: I’m not looking at that, thanks anyway, Volare.  You’re used to working with people of perfect complexion and hair – like Jake Sullivan, Ella Stuart Cartwright, Peterson Collier.  I prefer to reveal the magic of words rather than promote my physical self.

King Pin: Tat’s bleedin’ lucky lass.  (laughs)

RJ: Oh King Pin.  Don’t be so confident.  I’m the only one that knows what’s going on under that fugly toupee and behind that cut-pumpkin mouth, boy.  Be very careful what you say.  You might end up in my next novel.

Volare: (interrupting) Speaking of which, Rosie.  Why aren’t we IN your latest novel, ‘ZOMG! The Northern Fangirls’?   We’re mentioned, right, but not up-front and centre.  I need to tell you I’m put out, babe.  I expected more.

RJ: So you’ve read it?

Volare: (smiling like she’s just manipulated Ella Stuart Cartwright or trolled in ColossalSam’s journal) I got the junior writer, Stewart, to word scan the print.  I haven’t read it.  It’s too much about ordinary people.  Where’s the glamour in that, bb?

King Pin: Yeah, but ordinary folk that luv our show, yanno!

RJ: (to King Pin)  That’s the main idea, Pookeh.  To show how ‘normal’ folk can get caught up online, form their own community, make friends, get bullied, met odd people, attract stalkers, interact with other ‘ordinary’ members of the world.  It’s what Fangirls (the series, not the saga) is trying to emphasize.

Volare: All sounds a bit too mundane for me.  I prefer to troll in openbook or mix with the glamouratzi.  But I think you know that (winks at RJ)

RJ: Of course I do!  I created you, remember?

Volare and King Pin exchange looks of disbelief and consternation.  There’s a pause in proceedings, after which Volare announces to her new favourite pet Stewart (aka Crappy Writer) that she needs a break and a plump to her facial capillaries via Ernie.  They will be back with Rosie Jones very soon to cover the message of the Fangirl series, the use of online groups as a microcosm for real life and the subtle differences of personalities between the five main women that fangirl Sapphire.

Or maybe they will talk about hair, skin and publicity.  Stay tuned for the next installment.

‘ZOMG! The Northern Fangirls’ is for sale NOW.  The other books in the series have been for sale for the better part of a year.  Volare Putkin and King Pin appear courtesy of Splenic Studio and ‘Fangirls: The Deleted Scenes‘

The competition to win a free copy of ‘ZOMG! The Northern Fangirls!’ is coming to a close.  Enter here, to still have a chance.

Cross-posted to LiveJournal.

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