The Blues

Wedding Decrees of Certainty: Myth Busting Edition

On May 14, 2010, in Family, Modern Bride's Handbook, by Rosie

The Modern Bride’s Handbook — T minus 2 Days (and counting)

According to a mate of mine, if she was to marry today, this is what she would do:

(I’d) choose something in sea-green and wear 6-inch heels and show lots of cleavage (well, there’s lots more to show these days!). I’d even consider having my eyebrows done (or is that going too far?).

She doesn’t own a mono brow, would look fabulous in sea-green, and she does have titillating cleavage. This is a Modern Bride’s Handbook, so in the spirit of preparing our Sunday Bride, it’s prudent for us to consider the Dowager Hump ‘Wedding Decrees of Certainty’ as we approach the final countdown. These edicts need debunking. They are based on superstition, tradition and codswallop!

• No guest shall wear white: In the words of Sister Gayle, ‘ you’re not supposed to wear white, black is considered funereal, red too passionate and green, unlucky……..OH, I know, NUDE, which in Melbourne winter will end up being blue, hence acceptable and doesn’t require shopping!!!! (although in my case, will still require IRONING!!!!!)’

MYTH: wear whatever you want, and wear it with beading, a veil, a set of tusks, a stopwatch around the neck, a parachute silk tracksuit, Dunlop Volleys (you might meet Bjorn Borg) and skivvy.

• No blending of the colours black/navy, green/blue, pink/red or nude/lobster bisque: Previously, these fashion faux pas were frowned upon as hideous and eye-bleeding assaults.

MYTH: In 2010, all colour combos are seen and readily accepted as okay. Nude/lobster bisque coordination is particularly lovely, and may get you snapped up and bisqued on to the dance floor. Just don’t fall for someone hook, line and sinker, touch anyone’s rod, or contract the crabs. These indiscretions are better left to a beach honeymoon.

• Something Old, Something New, Something Borrowed, Something Blue: A rhyming phrase created by Mrs Seuss because she was trying to fit in with her husband in the lead up to their wedding day. She became frustrated coz he had to talk in rhyme, all the time.

MYTH: Practically, we always have something old (the grandparents or parents) something new (gatecrashers) something borrowed (hired clothes) and something blue (cold, depressed guests) at the wedding. It is not necessary to pin a tattered, ancient piece of aqua ribbon inside your cousin’s underwear in order to comply with this adage.

• No Guest Shall Arrive After the Bride: In the interest of courtesy, it was deemed inappropriate for guests to rock up after Bridezilla has waltzed down the aisle to her fair Groomenstein.

MYTH: What if I want to sleep in? FFS, have you LOOKED at the starting time on that invitation lately!? WHO would have a morning wedding on a Sunday, six hours drive from the local CBD? What if I’m held up at work, playing on LiveJournal and/or Facebook, ironing my skin, purchasing from the bridal registry, in the middle of a cup o’ tea. It’s all attention-seeking on Bridezilla’s behalf, in my opinion.

• The Mother of the Bride Needs to be Dressed in Designer Wear: She really should make some sort of effort. She is the second most important woman of the day, has reared the bride, should be a fashion doyen upon which the plebiscites base their fashion knowledge.

MYTH: In my entire life, I have never, ever, ever, ever looked at the shoes of the mother of the bride. Not even when that person has been my OWN mother. I don’t care (Harry) who she is wearing (eww, that sounded better OUT of print) and I don’t mind if she has chosen Nude/Lobster Bisque as her colour combination. She’s lucky to be there at ALL. She could have been in Shopping Centre Lockdown — where she is trapped in a large mall and forever left to roam the shiny things with eyes craned open!

• The Bride Shall Wear a Garter and the Groomy Shall pull it off with his teeth and throw it: Because really? This is a vitally important component of a happy, stable and fruitful relationship. It’s also very realistic, isn’t it? It’s gonna to happen at least a dozen times a week during the course of marital life.

MYTH: I have no words for this tradition. I will be wearing my own garter strap on Sunday and ask Mac to sidle it down my f-eyes when the time is right.

• The Photos are secondary to the next coming of the Messiah: The photographic evidence of the day is so important, it needs to cost more than the world budget to procure weapons of mass destruction. There needs to be a DVD cut, audio podcast recorded, personalized iTune package of a compilation CD from the day, photo album as big as house extension, and a slideshow that is only visible on a brand new, 27 inch iMac screen. The bride and groom need to stop speaking, eating, chilling, walking, breathing, living in order for the multi-media coordinator to capture the best possible outcome for the YouTube deal.

MYTH: Photos are lovely to look at and everyone will take them. I will even bring my Nokia to capture the moment in OPTUS-space.

• All Brides Throw Tantrums and are Attention Seekers: It’s their big day, the most wondrous occasion in her life. She might be PMSing or PMTing or just PMing without the syndrome and something might be going WRONG. Maybe mum has an issue with her clutch bag? Maybe dad is telling a joke and turning blue? Perhaps sisters are looking so beautiful that she looks dowdy? Maybe her auntie is drunk and blurting out burps AND saying ‘OMFG, Sheila is an *&^%$#@’. Perhaps another relative has applied eyeshadow in true gothic style? It’s tanty time!

MYTH: Over the last few weeks, I’ve been able to say the rudest, nastiest, unkindest things about Bridezilla, her Groomenstein, Cass, Henley and Biggles without them uttering word of complaint (sort of). They are wonderful, beautiful people with the most generous of natures and the greatest sense of fun. Bridezilla, (aka Sheila, gorgeous niece) has been NONE of the things ‘Fangirl Sings the Blues’ has claimed. She doesn’t throw tantrums or make demands above and beyond that of a typical, relaxed bride — ie: ‘Rosie, please don’t wear the NUDE/Lobster bisque combination. You’ll be cold.’

Happy day, special people. Thank you for being in this frantic family with me, and I love you all very much.

Onward and upward, down the aisle to neverland