The Blues

You Are So Beetle-ful, To Me!

On December 29, 2010, in Christmas, Family, by Rosie

Or: How To Say ‘I Love You’ With an Exoskeleton

When you’re in a long-term relationship, sometimes you just need to crawl out of your shell, have your antennae out for just the right gift and scuttle about the shopping hive of activity to snare the present for your beloved.

This Christmas, Mac stung me with such a surprise!

Being a Britch (a combination of Grinch and Beyotch) during The Season, I’m sometimes heard to say ‘yeah, I don’t like Christmas much, don’t worry too much about a present, k’. When you know a person well, this is Grump-Speak for ‘I’m in a pre-Christmas mood, don’t even look at me, I’m too busy, but don’t even think about not getting me a gift! Got it!?’

Seriously, though, I’m pretty low maintenance when it comes to being a recipient. A small bottle of expensive perfume, a pair of earrings that extends the house mortgage, a bottle of 50 year old red wine. An iTunes voucher, an Amazon voucher, a Day Spa voucher, a Sleep In voucher. I really don’t mind. It’s always the thought that counts.

Roll around Christmas 2010. Pip, Pop and Mac gave me a funky bag, really beautifully chosen, wonderfully wrapped and exactly something I might have picked out for myself. I was encouraged to rummage through all the pockets and into the main area of the satchel to find other, smaller gifts. Some were in paper, others were strewn inside the interior of the bag.

Such a lovely, thoughtful gesture. A favourite hand cream, a bottle of red wine to share, some new earbuds for the iPod … and then, a tightly-wrapped, small rectangular item, ready to be opened, in the front area of the new bag.

Clutching my heart, I looked up into the weary eyes of my beloveds (it was about 7 am, although there was a patter of footsteps around the Christmas tree as early as 4 that morn) and said ‘thank you so much. What a great idea.’ Then, acting surprised, I tried to flutter my eyelashes(although they were caked with goo from overnight) and said ‘Ooooo. Wonder what this small, hard, rectangular, jewelry-holding like gift could be!’

Taking my time to unwrap it, I used my fingers to unstick the paper while focusing on the smiles of Mac, Pip and Pop. I felt the smooth object come away from the wrapping into my palm and saw something shiny in the periphery of my vision. Noticing Mac break into a huge grin and imagining him saying ‘I love you so much, this is for you. Will you marry me, even though we have done this already, because you REALLY are the apple of my eye, the core of my soul.’ I also saw that Pip and Pop’s smiles were coated in a smidgeon of … well … just … ewwwww.

I looked down. Would I be dazzled by a solitary diamond? Be blinded by a ruby encrusted ensemble to lay around my nape, be spellbound by the latest gadget from Apple? Perhaps an iPad ring that would clean the house and walk the dog?’

No. It was a new member of the family. Please meet Vee-Dub!

What the cutter is that mother cutter of a thing, you might ask, sweetly. Well, it’s formally called a Unicorn Beetle, but I think it’s more like a Rhinoceros Beetle. Here’s another photo of him, and I’m sure you’ll agree that he’s exoskeleton is to DIE for. Because you see, he’s dead!

What would one DO with a dead Unicorn Beetle inside a hard plastic sheeting, you might be ridiculous enough to think! Don’t you know?! It’s a paperweight, dummy, and according to Mac, it’s really interesting.

Okay. Yes. It sure is … if you’re a freakish collector of exoskeletons and hard plastic sheeting and like to look at beetles stretched out holding a few sheets of paper! Does it have a gemstone which increases the value of it? NUP. Does it download anything? No way! Does it have a frigging touch screen? Um … NOPE again.

However, it was bought with a lot o’ love at this ‘great science shop. There were heaps of different ones’ (and, oh good, coz my birthday’s coming up!) and ‘it looks just a little bit different at different angles and lights’. Oh, yes, and it’s got a personality, because beetles do, especially if they’ve been made into paperweights.

Vee-Dub is very, very special. As long as he stays dead and enclosed in his weight, we are going to be great friends, but we’re still very much at the early stage. In that, when I catch his shadow lurking out of the corner of my eye …